The Cynical Kiss
Posted on 21 May 2009 by Lady Jalebi
Lady Jalebi is a twenty-something, vibrant Londoner quite happily living the single life and playing the field. Her anxious parents however, think it’s high time she settled down and are on a quest to find the perfect Desi guy for her to marry. From set ups to speed dating, join her each month as she provides a light-hearted insight into her weird and wonderful encounters on the long journey to find ‘The One’.
“Don’t I at least get a hug before I go?” he asked. It was an innocent enough question yet with the amount of sexual chemistry between us I knew exactly what it could lead to. I warily leaned over to the passenger side of the car and felt his arms wrap tightly around me. His seat was reclined so far back that I was nearly on top of him. Our eyes met and I could hardly breathe as I realised that we were about to have our first kiss. I waited for him to lean in. The seconds trickled by but he didn’t move. Nothing happened. The moment passed and I awkwardly sat back in my seat bewildered at what had just happened. All the signs had been there and yet there was no kiss. I looked over at him as he let out a long breath and said “Wow, I feel like I’m 16 again…” Irritably I snapped, “Get out of my car”. He looked stunned at this unexpected outburst. I gave him a hard stare and coolly explained “I don’t deal with boys, only men”. My words seemed to sting him into action, and without saying a word he leaned in and drew me close for a long kiss. This time when we broke apart we were both smiling.
I couldn’t believe how well things were going with Rasheed. I had my reservations given our ‘unique’ first date, but despite being hit in the face with several sugar cubes he had still called, saying that it had been memorable and he wanted to get to know me more. Since then we had resumed our almost daily conversations and met up locally for long drives. We had become comfortable with each other to the point where he would call me when taking a bath and sing Hindi songs down the phone to me while I pretended I understood and watched Home & Away instead. He’d tease me about my driving and I’d tease him about his face. It was endearing. Our friendship grew deeper and every now and again we’d both get a reality check and freak out about how weird it was to be speaking to someone from the community like this.
It was even more surreal now that we’d had our first kiss. Our meetings became more frequent; as always they were impromptu encounters in secret to avoid detection by anyone in the community. The intention was always to innocently catch up just as friends but things would inevitably end up getting a little hot and heavy. On one such occasion as we enjoyed a particularly intense make out session Rasheed suddenly pulled away and said “Feel my ears!” Slightly freaked out and wondering if I was about to unearth some kinky fetish of his I discovered that his ears were burning up. He looked a little dazed and kept saying how light-headed he felt. I didn’t think it was too surprising, my mind-blowing skills at lip-locking often made grown men weak. In reality it transpired that Rasheed suffered from hypertension and our intimate activities were making his blood pressure rise.
By now I was quite smitten with him and already envisioning a future together given that our family backgrounds matched, the chemistry was there and our personalities clicked. Then late one night a phone call abruptly changed everything…
Thinking I was being cute I had sent him a text to say goodnight. Oh the folly! Rasheed called shortly afterwards and crushed any romantic notions I had with this one line, “Why are you acting like you’re my girlfriend?” Taken aback all I could do was stutter. I felt winded as I listened to him say how he didn’t believe in love anymore; it was simply a chemical reaction in the brain. In his opinion you only experienced true love once, which he had with his ex, and anything else would therefore be secondary to that and not classified as love. Consequently he was now emotionally unavailable and the best he could offer would be companionship and to eventually care deeply for someone. He even stated that he would never say “I love you” to his future wife.
Worse was to come. He explained how he wasn’t interested in relationships in the conventional boyfriend-girlfriend sense since his break-up a year ago. He’d become so disillusioned with putting his all into previous relationships only for them to end, that he had now gone to the extreme of being unwilling to put any effort in whatsoever. His great idea was to get to know each other without having any of the commitments that go with actually being a couple. Without any boundaries there would be no expectations and therefore no capacity for disappointment and heartache, while still being technically single to pursue anyone else that came along guilt-free. His heartbreak had become, in effect, his excuse to play the field.
It didn’t seem very fair to me. I needed to be either his girlfriend or just his friend rather than something in between. He wanted me more than as a friend but wasn’t prepared to risk getting hurt again by getting involved in a full on relationship.
It was like a switch had been flicked and the soft rosy tint of romance had now been unceremoniously replaced with the harsh halogen light of cynicism. Why couldn’t he have told me this before I’d gotten emotionally involved? His unapologetically cynical views frustrated and shocked me to my dreamy core. I believed in love and romance whereas he sounded like he wanted to marry a flatmate.
Our (non) relationship cooled significantly after that. I didn’t know where I stood or whether he could give me what I wanted. We were still meeting up but it was different now. Any amorous feelings evaporated as he bared all about his previous relationship with his ‘soulmate’ while I sat nodding dumbly, acting understanding but desperately wondering what I was doing here and why I was such an emotional masochist for asking questions I didn’t want to hear the answers to.
It was all going wrong. I was seeing a new side to him with everything now on his terms; he expected me to be at his beck and call but was unable to do the same. I was relegated on his priority list to being slightly higher than renewing his library card but lower than shaving his pubic hair. I was treated to sporadic bursts of affection, days of silence or huge arguments over nothing depending on his erratic mood swings. There was no consistency which made it increasingly difficult to manage my expectations. I wasn’t used to being treated this way and I was close to losing it.
Still I persevered, unwilling to admit defeat. I kept hoping that it was salvageable, that we could make it work and become closer. But it wasn’t happening. He had laid his cards on the table and I would have to take it or leave it. I thought I could compromise enough to accept the situation but I realised I needed more than he could give to make me happy. The painful conclusion was that our relationship was fundamentally flawed because our definitions of what that entailed were so opposed. I didn’t want to be practical and play it safe, settling with someone I could just live with; I wanted to take a risk and find someone I couldn’t live without. Call me a hapless romantic but I couldn’t be anything else…
   (11 votes. Average: 2.73 out of 5) |
Tags : dating, lady jalebi, marriage
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May 21st, 2009 at 10:56 am
Hapless Romantic? Yeah Right, sure.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Rasheed sounds like a complete idiot!
Not sure about boys shaving down there though; well, maybe the occasional trim …
May 21st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
That was so on point, it was almost uncomfortable to read…I have to say, it sounds like a similar experience I have been through/am going through!!
“I’ve been dating since I was fifteen. I’m exhausted. Where is he?” Charlotte, Sex and The City
May 21st, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Does publishing tales of moaning and anguish (in cliched female fashion) justify your belief that you’re perfect and the entire male race is wrong?
Is it possible that you are annoying, or undesirable, or not wife material, or un-lady-like? Grown men have needs - they need grown ladies. And the first sign of a little girl is hapless conclusions filled with pseudo-intellectual romanticisms that lack adventure or mettle. The top spectrum of gentlemen see all the complexity, so having gone round full circle, want only simplicity.
You appear to love *creating circumstances* which reinforce your beliefs - as if you’re looking for something to go wrong. What gentlemen want is simple. We want to hang out, laugh, have fun, and yet have the ability to explore several depths - with the serenity and lady-like virtues of a good woman, who need the ability to tolerate and show their thick skins.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Read it. Same ol same ol. Girl, you’re becoming a one-trick pony.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Using you for one thing only, what a surprise. If you’re easy, then you can’t really blame guys for taking advantage of you.
If you don’t respect yourself or your body, then why expect others to respect you?
Sorry but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. i.e. having a western lifestyle and then expecting to get married desi-style. Choose one or the other and then live with the consequences.
Romance? LOL whatever. Yeah this story doesn’t seem to be based on much apart from making out. Oh and then when you actually stop for breath to have a conversation, you realise you have nothing in common. Whop dee doo. Same old story: “men are using me, boo hoo.” If you don’t let yourself be used, then you won’t.
What happened to feminism? Any woman who lets herself be used by a man in this way must have low self-esteem. Pathetic.
May 21st, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Guys love to flirt with easy girls in the short term and use them for a bit of fun. Real guys don’t marry tarts - they’re not a good long-term investment. Same as real women don’t marry easy rudeboys with no morals or principles.
May 21st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I agree with Meg’s second comment rather than the first because that sounds like a bit of a crazy lady rant. I know a lot of asian girls who lead a western lifestyle and still manage to find someone with asian values and have a nice desi wedding. And where does feminism come into it? When you like someone, emotions take over and you stop being rational so you do stupid things to try and make it work even if you know deep down it’s probably not going to work. You try and go back to the good times.
Amit: “lady-like virtues of a good woman, who need the ability to tolerate and show their thick skins.” Having a thick skin doesn’t mean you should tolerate the amount of crap guys chuck at you.
May 21st, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I like reading your articles, their quiet interesting and funny and it portraits you as a nice person who respects themselves.
However after reading this, it doesnt show the best in you. I personally don’t think that this article should have been published. If you felt anythink for this ‘Rasheed’ breh, you would have kept your intimate details (as recalled) to yourself.
Im not trying to saying anything bad or judge you, as i am not perfect myself, but there are things that should be kept to yourself and be kept private..
May 21st, 2009 at 1:46 pm
@Ash- I think Lady Jalebi was right to publish this one! It shows that you can fall for someone that you get on well with, that you have chemistry with, that has the right background and just seems perfect, and STILL have it go wrong…
She’s put herself out there…just like she did in this relationship with ‘Rasheed’. She’s taken a chance to show another side of herself…a more vulnerable side. It took guts to post this! And I think that shows more respect for herself…not less as you seem to think.
She’s being honest…she’s sharing the funny moments along with the sad ones. And she’s showing that she doesn’t just want to “settle” for someone good enough. She wants to find that person who is RIGHT. That’s respect for yourself.
It was probably hard for her to go into these details…but I think she did the right thing.
May 21st, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Amit, your understanding of this article is so off the mark and your attempt at pseudo-intellectual commentary would be laughable if it wasn’t so tragic. Lets break it down:
Does publishing tales of moaning and anguish (in cliched female fashion) justify your belief that you’re perfect and the entire male race is wrong?
- Er sorry, where exactly does she say she is perfect and the entire male race is wrong? (and wrong about what exactly…?)
Is it possible that you are annoying, or undesirable, or not wife material, or un-lady-like? Grown men have needs - they need grown ladies. And the first sign of a little girl is hapless conclusions filled with pseudo-intellectual romanticisms that lack adventure or mettle. The top spectrum of gentlemen see all the complexity, so having gone round full circle, want only simplicity.
- I’m presuming we’re still talking about the same article because whatever character assumptions re; Lady J you are making, surely you are not classifying Rasheed’s actions as gentlemanly conduct? Now if you do think Rasheed deserves to be placed in your top spectrum of gentlemen, then you have issues. If you don’t, then what on earth are you going on about?!?
You appear to love *creating circumstances* which reinforce your beliefs - as if you’re looking for something to go wrong. What gentlemen want is simple.
- A strange strange rant. The point of a dating column is to describe “circumstances” what else do you expect? It’s not a social commentary on the virtues of male v female dating needs.
We want to hang out, laugh, have fun, and yet have the ability to explore several depths - with the serenity and lady-like virtues of a good woman, who need the ability to tolerate and show their thick skins.
-This sounds like a dating advert, I hope it works out for you.
I bet at school or uni you were one of those kids that answered the question they wanted to come up as opposed to the one that did. Maybe spend less time trying and failing to write an eloquent reply and more time reading the actual article. Oh and loose the obsession with the word gentlemen, and please never repeat the phrase “what gentlemen want is simple”, you sound like a muppet
May 21st, 2009 at 1:59 pm
@ Arianne - I have nothing against Lady Jalebi and im not saying that she doesn’t respect herself or that i don’t think she respects herself, all i said was ‘it doesn’t show the best in her’, meaning that the intimate bit, should have been kept private.
Yes i agree with you that it must have been hard to publish such a story and am not saying its not a good article, but i know some young girls who loves reading her articles, as she is an excellent writer, but it would have been best to keep the intimate parts out of it, as alot of young girls these days don’t think twice what they are doing or understand the depth and meaning of Lady Jalebi’s article
I am sorry if i have come across in a bad way, i honestly did not mean to. =)
May 21st, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Arianne - finally the voice of reason!
May 21st, 2009 at 2:11 pm
@Ash- It’s ok…I get what you’re saying. But putting those intimate details out there is just what makes this column so special. By telling us those things she lets us feel how she felt: vulnerable and falling for someone fast. And so when she goes into the details of why he suddenly turns cold on her you feel so much more. The one wouldn’t be as powerful without the other.
I don’t think you give girls enough credit. I’m Lady J’s same age and I know exactly what she’s talking about. I think any girl reading this article will be able to identify with the heartache and the pain of ending a relationship with someone you really like or with the pain of liking someone who doesn’t feel as strongly about you. I think that you should let these “young girls” make up their minds for themselves…I’m sure they’ll know exactly what Lady J is talking about!
May 21st, 2009 at 2:19 pm
The opinions of blokes like Amit who hate women and girls like Meg who also hate women…are worthless. I want to tell them why they’re wrong…but there’s almost no point. Either they’ll see for themselves what jerks they’re being or they won’t. There’s nothing I can do to open their eyes. But I’m going to try…just a little bit.
I think that Meg’s comment that Lady Jalebi is easy is rubbish! Who says that making out with someone makes you easy?! My background is pretty religious in that my parents were really religious (my dad isn’t anymore…but my mum still is) and I went to religious schools…I know that when you’re brought up in a certain background it makes it REALLY hard to see a perspective outside what you think fits into that worldview. But even so…where does she get off making judgements like that?
And Amit…well, he doesn’t even deserve a response. He sounds like my ex. Perfectly happy to fool around with girls before he gets married but when it comes to finding a wife he wants to settle down with a nice, quiet, religious girl who is a virgin and will cook and clean for him and stay at home and have and raise his babies.
BARF.
I mean…I’m not totally revolutionary. If I had kids I’d want one of us to stay home with them until they went to school because I think it’s good for the child…and that person would probably be me so it’s not like I’m AGAINST being a stay-at-home parent…or against traditional values. I’m actually quite traditional in that I cook, and I clean, and I tend the garden, and I knit my husband socks. But I also stand up for myself…and I don’t take any crap. And I’m mature and modern and liberated enough to know that it’s NOT on if a guy will date someone who’ll sleep with him but not marry that same girl!
And Meg needs to become enlightened as to what feminism really is. Feminism is NOT about not snogging guys and it’s DEFINITELY not about expecting them to treat you like trash if you do let them kiss you! If Meg wants to learn about real feminism then she should visit one of the many feminist blogs out there. I suggest this one: http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/ It even helped a guy I work with look at things from a new point of view.
Mostly I just feel sorry for people like Amit who would even suggest that Lady J might not be a good person or ‘good marriage material’ (as if that means ANYTHING) just because of what she wrote in this column! He doesn’t even know her. But I feel even sorrier for people like Meg who have bought into the sad code of conduct that men dictate to women.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:22 pm
“And where does feminism come into it?”
Feminism means you don’t let guys walk all over you, esp. when they’re only after one thing. A guy that just sees you as a means to an end is disgusting - women have to stand up for themselves so they don’t get take advantage of. And if you’re going to get involved with such a sad loser, then why be surprised that he’s emotionally redundant
Let’s not kid ourselves that there are any emotions here apart from the girl being needy and desperate and the guy taking advantage of some easy tart. The guy and the girl involved are just cheap, shallow and the girl is kidding herself by living out some pseudo-romantic Hollywood fantasy. Get a life.
” I know a lot of asian girls who lead a western lifestyle and still manage to find someone with asian values and have a nice desi wedding.”
Just meant the wedding part has traditional values and the bit before is all cheap and completely the opposite. It’s all just so fake and hypocritical.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:29 pm
“But I feel even sorrier for people like Meg who have bought into the sad code of conduct that men dictate to women.”
I feel sorry for women who think they are liberated when they’re actually being oppressed by falling into the sad trap that men have set for you. Liberated yet doing exactly what they want and playing their game.
Western feminism is fundamentally flawed anyway. And like any other movement, feminism is not monolithic, it can have different streams and interpretations. I think it’s quite judgmental to suggest I hate women. Where do YOU get off making judgments like that?
Lady J is easy, if you read the rest of this blog. Sad but true.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Meg, how can you call yourself a feminist and still call girls “easy tart”s?
Seriously, go read that blog I recommended with an open mind. It will open your eyes.
You clearly don’t know the first thing about feminisim. You’re right, girls shouldn’t let guys use them or walk all over them. But it’s not the way you think it is!
May 21st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Furthermore I’ve read all of Lady J’s blogs and I don’t think there’s a single thing in it that justifies your comment that Lady J is “easy”. And the fact that you will call other women “easy” is evidence that you don’t know the first thing about feminism.
Who said I (or Lady J for that matter) fell into the “sad trap” that men have set for us? I think that rather YOU’RE the one who’s fallen into the trap.
And you say Western Feminism is fundamentally flawed but whatever feminism you’re following is complete nonsense…any branch of feminism that thinks it’s ok to call women tarts and to judge them based on some sort of perceived promiscuity is rubbish.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Because I believe in the self-worth of women. And women like this don’t understand how special women actually are.
“You clearly don’t know the first thing about feminisim. ”
Saying something doesn’t make it true.
Certain branches of feminism would agree with this interpretation. Eastern feminism but not the version you’ve encountered in the West.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I believe in the worth of women as well. But not just in their self-worth. In their objective worth. And not just as objects or as good little wives and daughters.
“Saying something doesn’t make it true.”
And neither does denying it!
I’m familiar with Eastern Feminism and by the ‘feminism’ promoted in LOTS of religious communities…but to me that’s not feminism. My mum would (sadly I think) agree with you. But I just can’t subscribe to a notion of feminism that says that a woman can’t make her own choices and determine her own life and that if she DOES then she deserves to be judged or treated a certain way. Like how you said a girl who’s easy deserves guys using her! And I can’t agree with any idea of feminism that judges women harshly for the decisions she’s made. Men are allowed to make mistakes? Why can’t we?
And just because I or my notions are ‘Western’ doesn’t mean they’re wrong. I know that enlightened philosophy and thinking originated in the East but that doesn’t mean it ended there.
(I’d be happy to carry out this conversation by e-mail or something. But I don’t want to clog Lady J’s blog up with a comment argument…and I can see we’re not going to agree with eachother on this.)
May 21st, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Feminism doesn’t mean you can’t criticise other women. Actually Lady J is just rather sad and pathetic. Last pity comment.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:57 pm
@ Meg I don’t think the use of ‘feminism’ is being used in the right context here.
I think you just see things in the context of you’re right and everyone else is wrong with no scope for understanding other’s viewpoints. While you might not agree with them you could still try to empathise. To me, your views while commendable for trying to send a message that girls should respect themselves and avoid losers like Rasheed, simultaneously sound very judgemental and unsympathetic by effectively implying that girls who are lead by their emotions and not by their head deserve everything that comes to them. Where’s the sisterhood in that?
May 21st, 2009 at 2:57 pm
“And not just as objects or as good little wives and daughters.”
But I believe the guy here is treating like an object with little regard for her emotional needs or her thoughts or feelings. For him it’s short-term, it’s nothing…
Well I’m happy to agree to disagree, as at least you recognise the type of feminism promoted, even if you don’t agree with it. For me that is feminism, for you it isn’t, that’s fine.
I believe in choices, I just think certain decisions can only lead to a downward spiral. It’s her life, she can do what she likes, but for her sake, the consequences cannot be good and in this case it is just not surprising that the guy wants no commitment.
I think that there is less difference between girls and guys than u think. If a guy acted in the same way, then he would have to face consequences too although I’m in no way refuting that guys have it easier.
BTW just because it’s Western doesn;t mean it’s wrong. I just want to clarify that I love the West and grown up with Western values but I can’t subscribe to the Western model of feminism because I think the values regarding the so-called liberation of women are flawed.
I don;t think ’she deserves’ having guys using her, I just think she could avoid that situation by being a bit more switched on about the kind of guys who are only after one thing. If you’re going to mess around with that type of guy, then don’t be surprised that he’s a jerk.
We’re never going to agree but that’s fine. To your ideas, it’s not feminism, but just because you don’t agree with it, doesn’t invalidate the fact that it is one theory within feministic thought. For me, letting a man use you is everything feminism is not.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Tariq - I have no need to date and wasn’t talking about the subjects in her article, which I did read and understand. We can treat this post as a bit of entertainment actually, which is all it is :-) Xe - try and be objective - it’s just a story.
Apologies to cause any offence to anyone. Keep rocking - whoever you are, whatever you do ;-) I’m as naive as anyone else - relationships are an awesome mess/learning curve tbh!
May 21st, 2009 at 3:11 pm
“To me, your views while commendable for trying to send a message that girls should respect themselves and avoid losers like Rasheed, simultaneously sound very judgemental and unsympathetic by effectively implying that girls who are lead by their emotions and not by their head deserve everything that comes to them. Where’s the sisterhood in that?”
You’re right in that I probably am a bit more unsympathetic than I should be.
But I don’t think these girls deserve anything. Nobody deserves to be treated (or effectively ‘punished’) like this. It’s just it’s not all together surprising when it happens. And it could be very easily avoided by having a bit more control, but you’re just setting yourself up for a fall here. I mean it’s the same old story time and time again.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@ Tariq - ha ha completly and utterly agree with you! Well written, eloquent and more importantly JUSTIFIED comments. Your girlfriend is a lucky lady!
May 21st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Carey - aren’t you Lady J posting under another name?
I find all this quite entertaining, though time consuming!
May 21st, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I don’t want to argue…but I do have to respond to say a few things.
1) I do agree that your views are ‘one theory within feministic thought’ but to me it’s not what I’d call feminism.
2) I do also agree that the idea of “liberation of women” is flawed but only in how it’s been portrayed in recent years. In more radical feminist circles it’s referred to as “fun feminism” and it’s the same kind of feminism that says that if a woman chooses to be a stripper then she’s not being objectified or degraded. That’s not feminism at all. That kind of ‘feminism’ says that it’s ok for women to allow men to treat them as sex objects if they “choose” to. But it’s NOT the same as saying that if a woman decides to have sex outside of marriage or with more than one man in her life that she’s wrong or that she’s letting men use her or treat her badly. The one doesn’t necessarily follow the other.
Don’t get me wrong…I’m actually quite traditional myself. BUT that doesn’t mean that I think it’s ok to judge other people just because they don’t follow the same rules you follow or they have different moral values. I’m quite traditional…but I don’t look down on people that aren’t. And while I agree that “letting men use you” (like in the example I described above about strippers) is not feminism…I wouldn’t judge a woman who made that choice.
And I don’t think that in this case Lady J “let herself be used”…she was used…but she didn’t let it happen because as soon as she found out what was going on she ended it!
In the case here Lady J thought that what she and Rasheed had was mutual. She kissed him because she felt something for him and she thought he felt something too. She didn’t let him use her. When she found out that all he wanted was to use her she ended it. When he said he wasn’t in it for a relationship and that he just wanted to have fun AND to see other people…she said “You know what, I’m better than this. I’m stronger than this. I will not let him use me even though I really care about him.” She let him go.
That’s not letting a man use you…that’s standing up for yourself…and respecting yourself!
May 21st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@Amit:
You said THIS to Lady J: “Is it possible that you are annoying, or undesirable, or not wife material, or un-lady-like? Grown men have needs - they need grown ladies. ”
How is that YOU being objective? Where’s YOUR objectivity?
You are making a judgement AND you are suggesting that it’s all Lady Jalebi’s fault because something’s wrong with her…And Rasheed clearly stated that he was messed up because of a past relationship. How he was treating Lady J wasn’t anything to do with her…it was down to him and his past and his problems!
What you said was so not fair. And definitely not objective.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Defend and justify lady j and her actions all you want, but at the end of the day, she is pretty loose and easy, judging by her articles.
And she does keep meeting ‘loser’ guys, as she puts it, but then maybe thats what she deserves? like for like?
I wouldnt marry her because i dont want someone who been around as much as her and whos as confused and undecided as her. too many issues and uncertainties to deal with.
Whoever she ends up with, she’ll probably analyse him so much she’s bound to find flaws and then look elsewhere. Affairs and divorce arnt big deals these days, right?
May 21st, 2009 at 7:07 pm
“Our meetings became more frequent; as always they were impromptu encounters in secret to avoid detection by anyone in the community.”
If she’s not doing anything wrong, then why the secrecy and fear of detection by the community? Why not be open about what she’s doing?
The reality is everyone pretends to be one thing behind closed doors and another in front of ppl, because which parents would be happy about their kids marrying such gals. It’s all a bit hypocritical.
Being true to yourself and not caring what the community takes guts. The double lifestyle is just a bit tragic and gutless. It’s not about whether what J chooses to do is right or wrong, it’s about being true to yourself.
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:55 am
I’m beginning to think, this whole L.J thing is predominantly fictional. Are these blogs in real-time / recent events? or the whole thing in retrospect where she’s a bitter spinster recalling events from her heydays. The later I doubt mainly due to her references to present day youth-culture.
Nonetheless the reason why I think its fictional is because could she have met or dated so many guys in such a short time ( as in periodical blog updates, a new guy in each issue lol)? is it realistic? Well i’m sure it is possible; which is why you can fathom the remarks made by some readers.
Another reason why I suspect it’s fictional is; I cant help but sense some subtle discrepancies or contradictions in her texts. Is this just me or are others getting an inkling too? I’ve been tempted to go back and read the articles again but i really don’t have the time to waste. Hey but if anyone can support it with “quotes” it’d be funny to read.
Ciao
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Or it could all be true and she’s the village bike :p … Nuff’ said.
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:30 am
Just get married you silly girl.
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:44 am
Lady J you’ve done it again. You go girl! Feel those ears, send that blood pressure rushing!
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:51 am
Naaaaahh!! U iz 2 blates 4 da brairz round dis way. Where you from gyal? Manz gettin bare hungry!! Needz 2 c u l8r! hit me up shona, we b in da zoooooone!!!
May 23rd, 2009 at 3:24 am
Amit mannnn!!!! I read your book - it was wicky wack!!!!! 2 menny long wordz bruv. Jeeeez, manz needz 2 take nyourofen after dat, hed iz splitting bruv.
Stop h8ing on dis chung ting Ladee J. U iz making making manz hed hurt like wen da swiss embassy 2 tehran shuv dem brokin chopstix in manz neck wen manz doing da nasty on gyal dem from round da manor.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:07 am
Brian - you’re awesome dude!
THE GENTLEMAN
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:19 pm
“the village bike”
LOL
May 27th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
from the day wan i told ya daks this gyal a silan, A true Silan one of a kind. she darty bluds needs to get herself cleasned must have bare diseases.
May 28th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Wow, what a lot of comments!
You’re all going on about whether lady J is a slag or not and from reading her previous entries, it’s always coming back to that.
Lady J’s notes are about her missions to find a husband as someone who has lived the brit-asian life. None of you can deny that you cannot relate to these ’shenanigans’ that her occur in the process. Doesn’t matter how traditional, or how arranged it is, you know in this this day and age, this is pretty much how we get to know people, yes, that includes all you undercover ones!
Yes, she exposed some ‘intimate’ details in order build her case. Her case being that this guy ‘Rasheed’ played her along until her guards were down. Then to tell her, that she would only ever be a muppet in his life because he’d rather be with a dream that would never happen.
In this context of life, it is very hard to draw a line as to how intimate you can be with someone of potential marriage. How many times have I had guys tell me ‘Look, were going to have to get close at some point if were going to get married’ and ‘It is important to see if we would be compatible at an intimate level’ etc
I don’t think it is Lady J’s intention to become the village bike, she has a lot of love to give to the right person and that trigger was unlikely to be held until it’s official. But unfortunately, there are too many guys who take advantage of that and entice us on false pretences of marriage. They wrongfully take whats not for them.
The likes of Rasheed are in the 2nd lowest league of boys (bottom of the league being cheaters!). Still living in the ‘what could have been’, he is not ready to embrace reality and therefore does not appreciate the happiness he could actually receive.
Not only that, he is greedy. Happy to take and not give.
I agree that perhaps, for dignity’s sake, she could have held back for a bit longer until she could see his true colours, or maybe it took the kiss to realise this?
May 28th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
haha!!its actually quite funny how seriously some people take a simple piece of writing…relax peeps!!read it..enjoy it..relate 2 it if you can..or ignore it if you cant…dont go around callin people names..thats just makes you cheap!!
and also..whats all this eastern and western crap??if you hate the west so much..go back east…but if you go back east you will see that the east doesnt accept you either..cos what you describe isnt the east its prehistoric..and i would know..cos i come from the east…so please dont insult the eastern side of the world…
May 29th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
“Doesn’t matter how traditional, or how arranged it is, you know in this this day and age, this is pretty much how we get to know people, yes, that includes all you undercover ones!”
Err, no. Incorrect. There are other ways… thank god not everyone is like Lady J.
“How many times have I had guys tell me ‘Look, were going to have to get close at some point if were going to get married’ and ‘It is important to see if we would be compatible at an intimate level’ etc”
Any girl who falls for that line is DUMB. Those guys are only after one thing, duh… if they can’t wait, and they pressure u, that just tells u the kind of guy you’re dealing with. Kick him to the kerb IMMEDIATELY.
“None of you can deny that you cannot relate to these ’shenanigans’ that her occur in the process.”
None? Err no, just because some can relate doesn’t mean there aren’t people who can’t relate. What utter tosh.
“In this context of life, it is very hard to draw a line as to how intimate you can be with someone of potential marriage.”
It’s not that hard.
“she has a lot of love to give.”
Love. Riiight.
May 29th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
The guy did not completely play her. Sounds like she instigated the first kiss. Once she did that, she let the guy know she was easy and then that allowed him (being the rat he was) to lead her on and play her. She let him use her. Had she waited longer, she would have realised if he was decent or not. But because she acted so desperate in the first place, it’s not really surprising that he was used by this jerk.
May 29th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Lady J is the dogs!!!!!!!!!!! all you losers arguing about not relating/relating to her blatantly do relate to her otherwise you wouldn’t comment!!!!
LADY J > losers in denial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May 31st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Well I am an aloof kind of guy. A relationship working out or not doesn’t really effect me. If one is gone, the other one will come by. My SUV Mahindra Scorpio has always been helpful for me to attract girls. Instead, of breaking my head over a broken relationship, I would rather go on a long drive in my SUV. Now I have the new Mighty Muscular Scorpio. So I’ll be looking out for more women than before. Check out my Mighty Muscular Scorpio at http://www.mahindrascorpio.com
May 31st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
“How many times have I had guys tell me ‘Look, were going to have to get close at some point if were going to get married’ and ‘It is important to see if we would be compatible at an intimate level’ etc”
LOL
Do girls actually still fall for this line?
LOL
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Hi… ur stories excite me Lady J. U know… I don’t have real friends…well female companion so I just add strangers to add me on facebook. I am such a coward that I don’t even have my own pic there…I’m not very attractive u see. I don’t know why I’m writing all this except perhaps to let off steam. Y o y don’t girls like me? I have been told to leave some girls alone but I still dont…is that harrasment? It is but i just don’t care. I try to force them to be freinds with me until they have bo choice other than to delete me I guess. I’m such a loser ’cause i sexually harras. What will my baba say? I even make up stories and believe them to be true sometimes. I dont know what my illness is. I need mental health doctor and I need to listen when told to leave sum1 alone. Please help me ppl out there…
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:48 pm
I’m back again…I am a sexual harrassing kinda dude. I need help. Anyone who can help me stop harrassing women and accept ‘no’ means ‘no’ please call on 07807418862. instead of helping i myself may get harrassing phone calls I know but it’ll be what I deserve. I’ll know the feeling of how it feels to be harrassed and therefor I may change my ways and become a better person. Or I may find someone to marry and give up my evil narrow minded ways. Anyway ya thats my number. May Allah help me…
August 4th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
THE PROBLEM WITH YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN TODAY. - Love is in the eye of the beholder. But what if the beholder is blind? Blinded by a past relationship, blinded by family loyalty or blinded by the lack of hope and a false sense of ‘need’.
Stay single, stay fresh and soon enough you will be gasping silently each time you think of your special one.
Potato xx
August 11th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
*choke*
February 23rd, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Bravo Bravo..
I take it you are married now?