Caught in the trap of living other people’s aspirations
Posted on 10 November 2008 by Nabila Pathan
Aspirations mean different things to different people. But the important thing is that they mean something. The danger lies when an individual is totally void of them. That’s when the journey of nothingness begins. This is something I am seeing increasingly in young girls; especially from Asian backgrounds.
Female empowerment is one of the greatest challenges facing the British Asian community. Last year, statistics by the Department for Work and Pensions and the Equal Opportunities Commission revealed that unlike 25% of all other ethnic groups, 70% of Pakistani and 80% of Bangladeshi women of working age were not in full-time education or work.
So is the empowerment of Asian women dependent on them entering the job or professional workspace? I would say no - especially after having met British Asian women who have discovered their self-worth by being a housewife. I firmly believe that empowerment is hinged with aspirations.
This can also be highlighted in the fact that there are also many women who are not happy at being a housewife quite simply because they are a housewife by default. I know of many such examples. When you possess no strong desire or aim and do not know what you want with life, then you are no longer in control of your life, but others are.
Many of the Asian girls I went to school with were easily steered by their parents and before they knew it, they were married off. You could say that the vicious cycle then continues as the husband then takes control and exploits the lack of aspirations by often choosing a career path for his wife that ultimately suits him. This often enough means being a housewife.
I see the same fate falling on the young girls I talk to. Their low/non-existent aspirations are quite simply a product of their environment. When you have an education environment that is more concerned with targets as opposed to personal development, and you mix this with a home environment that does not churn out role models, nurture broadening of horizons and generally not compliment the learning process at school, then the result is neglect.
As things currently stand, schools only start focusing on further education and career prospects at the age of 15, which is perhaps too late as the window of opportunity has been passed. Getting to these girls at a younger age is possibly the key. So when Ed Balls, the Education secretary, recently made a statement that children as young as ten should start thinking about career choices, I found myself in partial agreement and felt this may hold the key to unlocking the much needed set of aspirations amongst the young Asian female population in the UK.
Most 10 year olds will not have definitive ideas of their eventual vocation, but it is so important to channel reminders that everything they do leads to something. Apathy towards aspirations is more likely to be reversible when targeted at 10 year olds as opposed to 15 year olds. 10 year olds generally have a greater propensity to be excited about things than 15 year olds. Aspirations should be exciting, and more importantly, they are the key to empowerment. After all, it is better to aspire to be a housewife than to live out other people’s aspirations.
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November 10th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I totally agree to schools only start focusing on further education and career prospects at the age of 15, which is perhaps too late as the window of opportunity has been passed. Getting to these girls at a younger age is possibly the key.
Most Asian girls I went to school with had no aspirations. They knew from a young age that they would be married at 17 and bring up a family. Its a shame as some were quite intelligent. Not sure how you can deal with this in the Asian community.
I think times have changed slightly for the better as I see Asian girls are more ambitious. However, We do need more female Asian role models in the community.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
also applies to boys i think, and high acheiving types who go down culturally respected routes. (law, medicine, banking)
November 10th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I think that British Asian women feel disenfranchised by Brits and Asians alike. If they aspire for a career they are accepted into western culture (just about) yet, seen as hard-edged and domineering by Asians, and if they settle down with a family, adhering to traditional asian family values they are made to feel like failures in British culture where being a housewife is tantamount to being a Vicky Pollard or a puppy killer. We cannot please everyone, so aspiring to balance the two is well-nigh impossible. Being a housewife and having a career can be rewarding in different ways, but the cultural baggage and burden of it is understandably daunting.
Feeling accepted is a natural human desire, and unless we can overcome this, asian women will not find having aspirations a straightforward process. At some point there is always a sacrifice to be made.
November 10th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
>Most Asian girls I went to school with had no aspirations. They knew from a young age that they would be married at 17 and bring up a family. Its a shame as some were quite intelligent. Not sure how you can deal with this in the Asian community.
I think that was the case many years back. But we’re actually seeing more and more (although still not enough) detach themselves from such backwards stigma and pursue a career and/or higher education. Even under such circumstances though, they are forced (men also) to duck and dodge cultural/parental expectations i.e. not pursue a postgrad, get married after graduating etc.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
I don’t think school and career training can help in this. At 10, these things won’t mean much and some will be even more confused from hearing one thing in school and seeing something else.
We need to learn to stop worrying & focusing in the future so much that its hurting the present.
I spend countless hour trying to fit the puzzle of life togather after graduation when i had to decided between post grad study (parents weren’t too happy on this) or find a job. Future worry was a big part of me not choosing path 1 (will stay in parents house till i gradute not that i am 22? If i don’t, this will be waste? If i stay student, how will i pay for the upcoming wedding? I don’t want my parents to go broke? No one really wants me to do this, is it really worth it?)
I choose the path cuz in the end post grad wasn’t that important to me at that time and it was my decision, not my parents. I have done fairly well in work and have gone back to school part time.
girls need to be made accountable for their decision only then will they feel the need to dream
November 11th, 2008 at 8:58 am
up until last year, I’d been one of the more head-strong asian girls i knew, i wanted a job, and i was studying to get one. my parent’s supported that, because i said i wanted to do banking.
the day i told my dad i wanted to get involved with environmental work, after i’d practically failed my exams, was the turning point. since then, i’ve lost all motivation to study, i’d much rather just become a housewife because:
1) my dad just keeps saying ‘i don’t care what you study or do anymore, i don’t care about anything but banking’
2) my mum keeps telling me to get myself out of the mess i got myself into (bad exams due to bad year on many levels)
3) it seems like the only option to get out of my parents’ house lol.
so yeah. i never used to feel the pressures mentionned above. but i sure do now.
and educating 10 year olds wont fix the problem. educating parents and letting them know that it’s okay for their child to do something different is the key.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
My parents have been extremely supportive and encouraging throughout my educational career. Even when I suggested doing a long postgrad, they were happy (and proud) that I had done well enough to have that option. However, I can now see in their eyes the doubt and concern that comes with a daughter ‘too educated’ for the average Asian guy. Would they have wanted me to be a less-educated, non-aspiring housewife-type? Probably not, but it doesn’t help the social pressure they feel about finding an appropriate partner for me. I wouldn’t say I am ‘too westernised’ to respect tradtional ideologies or too traditional to fit in with Brit culture, but both Asian and Brit societies have yet to appreciate that a balance can and must be struck with a little compromise.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
that is so cool, keep them comming,.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
so true… some asian women seem to undermine their capabilites beliving that thee is no point of education… wat gets me is i knw a few girls who left education because there boyfreind was working or they felt inclined 2 because of some dissalousion ment of love… i knw women are worth every cell they are made of and shouldnt beieve they arent or that they owe a duty to a man… did u women knw that a man is more attracted to women who are independant and successfull???? have u not heard neyo’s miss inderpendant track… i dont knw about other men but personally a well educated and well mannared woman with self confidence, respect and disapline is the kind of woman that i like…
November 15th, 2008 at 5:10 am
Shah true But
The number of prospect guy i met via family is 1/10 of what my non-educated friends did? eventho I have no education restriction.
I think the comments show the soluation present isn’t the right one. Our problem isn’t getting motivated at younger age. At 10 kids are just kids and every bangali parents tells their kids to aim to be a doctor.
The problem comes later, when life hits and things don’t go as expected and we give up hope.
I think the solution is to teach short term goal and how to adapt to deal with life as it comes. instead of telling a 10 yr old to be a doc all her life only to find out its not so stright forward to be one.
November 17th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Hey at 10 i wanted to be a pilot and my parents were cool with that! Esp considering im a bengali girl and the idea came out of no where. At no point did they make me feel that I couldnt make it as a pilot. Subsequently over the years my ambitions changed several times and although I no longer want to be a pilot, I have chosen another career path that is male dominated and not many Asians have ventured into. I’ve always been encouragd to have focus and direction. Not all parents want their kids to be a doc, they just use that example so their kids aim high! Nothing wrong with that. Educating at an younger age is a good idea, just so kids get used to the idea of having a focus or direction. At 10, its ok, it feels voluntary and less final whilst at 15, it feels like its crunchtime and the decision you make will stick with you forever!
End of the day, in the West we have the resources and opportunities we need to do and be what we want to be! Yes that means making sacrifices but thats where choice comes in. I dont believe that its the same for us as it was for our mothers and grand mothers.