Living with the Parents…
Posted on 08 September 2008 by Sital Ladva
For generations, it has been part of the Asian tradition to look after your parents in their old age. After all, they are the ones who raise you, and it’s only fair that you should return the favour. An increasing number of today’s generation however are moving out - doing what some may define as ‘abandoning’ them.
Not surprisingly, one of the key factors to why this trend is occurring is the arrival of the dreaded daughter- in-law. Back when our parents got married, it was a mandatory requirement that the new wife would live with her in-laws. There seems to be a slight leeway to this requirement now seeing newly married couples setting up family elsewhere.
So is living with the parents more trouble than its worth?
It really shouldn’t be, but speaking from experience, I can with certainty say that it is. In the parent’s ideal world, their son would marry a nice “respectable girl” who would then come into her new family and fulfil their every need.
But we don’t live in their ideal world; if a girl is living with her in-laws, it is more like the saga of Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi, where the daughter-in-law has a hidden agenda to murder her in-laws, rather than the happy family ending of Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, where “it’s all about loving your parents”.
But why is it that the moment a son gets married, all hell breaks loose?
After assessing my own family, I came up with a number of possible reasons:
- Jealousy: The in-laws (in most cases, the mother-in-law) cannot handle the fact that a new woman will be looking after her son, and that he will now be spending all his time with her.
- Independence: Some parents are still stuck in the 70’s. They think it’s OK to treat their sons as if they are still in nappies. In some cases, these married sons do adhere to this treatment (so called ‘mummies boys’).
- Old-fashioned views: The daughter-in-law is not in fact a part of the family - that is just a guise. She is there to take over the mother’s role of cooking, cleaning and being a live-in housemaid, as well as having to give the in-laws a brood of grandchildren to carry on the family name.
- The sister-in -law: The promise of being treated like a daughter is quickly forgotten when it come to the in-laws’ own daughter. A totally different set of rules apply for her. The in-laws are also heartbroken to see how their own daughter is being treated by her in-laws, but don’t realise that they are doing the same thing!
These particular scenarios kept recurring when I spoke to my married friends. One took it as far as saying that after what she had been through, she would only consider having an in-law living with her if the other one died..!
I also had a look at the other end of the scale, where some couples are so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget about their vulnerable parents. This isn’t because of the reasons above; it’s because they’d rather avoid burdening themselves of looking after their elderly parents. These parents are often left alone to fend for themselves, even though they have children who are more than capable of taking them in.
It seems as if there isn’t an easy way out of this situation - especially for the boys. Do you move-out to keep the wife happy, and make the parents feel like they are an unwanted burden? Or do you stay with the parents and upset the wife? And ladies, in this day and age, would you be prepared to live with the in-laws, knowing that your parents will also be in the same situation?
   (11 votes. Average: 3.73 out of 5) |
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September 8th, 2008 at 10:34 am
A very empathetic article… it is a dilemma in a general. Probably a few exceptions where the parents’ don’t need looking after. Although, it is a shame when neither side (parents, or children) show gratitude for what is done.
The solution would be for the career-minded couple to hire a domestic, and then, both parties will be happy.
September 8th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
I think atleast in the early years of a marriage, couples should be looking to set ship elsewhere. This both avoides potential clashes of interest one may have top thier and parents, but also counts for the fact that our parents will need taking care of in the later years.
September 8th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
This is sooo typical desi thing to say.. blame everything to the daughter in law. It is usually the sons responsiblity to take care of his parents, not ship his parents on his wife. Guys should do better job at balancing the two.
most cases the problem starts when in-laws don’t give their new daughter the life she requires. The son needs to realize/make his parents realize she has/had a life and its not based on what his parents allow her to do. At the same time he needs to make his wife realize/feel like she is part of the family and those r just like her parents by being nice 2 her parents.
Where does a girls parents come in2 picture here?
September 8th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
IT is down to the son to keep things sweet. Like all things in life, there comes a time when a person is stuck between two options; a crossroads; a rock and a hard place - call it what you like! lol.
It’s not about the in-laws or the new wife. It’s about the son that failed to reconcile the issues between the parties, and his inability to handle any divergences occurring. Of course there’ll be issues and insecurities popping up, as much as we get anywhere else in life such as work or friends. Do we now abandon the concept of having friends or working in an office, or do we face the situations with a bit of courage and reason? I’m 25 now & single, and I’ve already made it clear to my family the kind of life I expect my wife to be allowed to have; the right to work, to pursue a life outside of the house, to do various things and to have her own space. Our parents may at times be a little backwards, but its not their fault - so its OUR job to help them move forward. A little preparation work long before marriage means that they will embrace CHANGE far more better and less likely to blame the wife for your sudden change in perception. Do it now whilst your single and not married so they realise that this really is YOU and not due to the “machinations” of the new wife lol. If you don’t then you’ll have to face the consequences later!
September 8th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
One major correction, our parents (if they live in the UK/US) absolutely did not the opposite and move out completely. They never had to live with their in-laws having left them 5000miles away back in SE.Asia.
It’s odd and slightly hypocritical for current parents to ask us to do something they never had to…
Not that I’m advocating abandoning our parents, just that it’s not something our parents generation experienced in the West at least.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Our parents that moved here, actually did it to look after their parents financially. Jannah lies under our mother’s feet as they say, and our mothers will only be happy if we look after both parents. To me its a non issue, and prior to marraige, i’ll make sure my wife shares the same sentiments.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
i fully understand what u r saying mushfaque
the only i wud say is tht, before one thinks about moving out, they shud always think how wud they feel if their own parenst were abandoned by their brothers wife etc
September 8th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
there are more ways to supporting in-laws then living with them. asian women (mother-in-laws) tend to switch on ‘bitch mode’ if the daughter-in-law is not what she deems as ‘good enough for her son’. sane lovely mothers turn into horrific cows, ive seen it happen too many times. but if you are ’suitable’ then the mother-in-law will be your best friend.
also the dynamics of the relationship between the two people getting married changes so much with having family around all the time. it can be a shock to the system esp if a prolonged method/pattern of interaction is established.
i think the responsibility of looking after the parents should not lay with the youngest / oldest son. it is unfair to shift that responsibility to him alone. we are living in a different society now. i believe all the offspring should take a joint responsibility in looking after the parents in old age.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
I think that it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship whilst living with in laws. The daughter in law takes on enough hardships as it is (leaving home, sometimes her job and friends, moving to a new area, a new home etc) why do we add to this? Houses in the London especially are generally quite small, from a practical perspective it would be pretty awkward bumping into the inlaws/family after a private moment or even a small disagreement. I think that if this is a requirement for the man, he should make it crystal clear to his fiancee that this is how it is and not make out that this may change later ( i have seen this happen many many times). This is a prehistoric, backward and awkward tradition that is a probable factor in the rising divorce rates in our communities.
Also - if its a financial requirement you have to question why so many men get married when they are clearly not ready financially.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
not jus that, the responsibility lies wid the son too, wer as the fault shifts to women.
but what i said above wasnt stating that all women have to stay with their in laws we have seen what u have seen and also the other spectrum, wer the in laws have become subject of neglect n ill treatment too. hence i sed one shud always put them selves in others shoe before doing sumfn
it all depends on individuals n individual families too.
both u guys r right in what u have sed too
September 8th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
yeh tlaking about financial requirements, what we have seen a rise currently in marriage wid; british girls to those on work permits, or illegal, where the demands for money have been so high, but they are provided the girls side wid the 10k or 15k demand, only for them to both end up in debt together after marriage!!
which is another hassle
September 8th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Yes - this is maybe because the men do what their parents say (get married) when they should be developing their careers, establishing themselves and THEN thinking about marraige.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
but then the sad bit is tht the girl ends up helping to clear tht debt wich is given to her dowry. such a sad circle
September 8th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Yes this debt clearing is very common also. The number of men that have absolutely no shame in allowing/pushing their new wives into clearing their debts is definetly on the increase. if only they weren’t such “wusses”. It all stems from the esteemed status that families give their sons in the first place, so they carry on following orders from above throughout their lives, never putting their wife’s wishes forward, always their mum’s.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
why is it almost sinful for a women to say: i do not want to live with in-laws? how many of us women actually do? i have not spent my whole life under the watchful and traditional restricting eyes of my mother (not allowed out after 10pm unless i have a note) to go and do the same in my husbands house. even if the in-laws are liberal, i would find it strange/disrespectful returning late into the night / early morning (with husband), and needing to be silent, when all you want to do is giggle and leave dirty dishes till the morning.
can you really relax if you have other people around you?
September 8th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
EXACTLY - it takes the fun/shared moments out of the marraige. In fact it quashes any hope of a union with your husband because you are always under the watchful eye of the mother in law who will rarely accept another woman in her “perfect son’s” life. Its a selfish and lazy requirement for families that cannot adapt.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
there is always the need to impress and behave properly around in-laws.
my mother understands and does not want her children to look after her when she is still able. if she becomes unwell, regardless of marital status i will take care of her. all of us siblings, feel the same way. so it would work on a rotation basis.
here is an idea, as it seems the daughter in laws get all the stick from the mother in laws, why dont we just all look after our own mothers. that way there is no more evil mother in law syndrome. the son-in-law will always be treated like a prince, and the daughters will get a much easier and relaxing ride.
(the boys are probably all thinking, hell no, im not living with your inlaws, why is that? hmmm)
the full article is very very good, the points are very true to home. very good article sital.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I agree with ‘It’s odd and slightly hypocritical for current parents to ask us to do something they never had to…’ and lol @ fatema’s comment on bitch mode..
my (ex) marriage suffered a lot .. a large part of that I feel was the need by my then in laws to force us to live with them and the inevitable that followed. i think fatema’s comments are very pertinent. there was perhaps a day in the 20 months that i was married that i felt relaxed, when we were allowed to be on our own with parents/ aunts/ cousins finally staying away; also things that were deemed normal before i married (like my wearing jeans and getting my hair cut) were all of a sudden banned as ‘too modern’
i made it pretty clear i wanted to live separately and this was deemed fine.. until i was married when this apparently became a crime/ unacceptable; again my in laws had not lived with their parents after marriage for a good 95% of their marriage. the living in situation was useful for them in terms of controlling us and also controling the money their son made.. having us move out would (they felt) have compromised their standing in society and their lifestyle.
i have friends from a mirpuri background, born and brought up here who have been through worse, being the sole breadwinner and also keeping house for the in laws and grown sister in laws with no help
some people in our community use this as an excuse for cruelty (saved up to be unleashed on the daughter in law) or slavery
September 9th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
After the romance of falling in love and finding the ‘one’ whom you wish to spend all your life with, how can you then subject her to give up that dream and live with in-laws?
The first few years are the honeymoon period, and you want to do all the silly romantic stuff that love makes you do! I don’t think I could be that spontaneous with my mum/siblings in the same house and I can’t even fathom how much more difficult it would be for a stranger to do the same - why get married then?
The prophet Mohammed (pbuh) as an example lived separately so that may be a hint, and I’m pretty sure he definitely took care of his parents… so we might be able to cite that example. My parents also want the house to themselves when we (finally!) leave, but we will inshala be close enough to be there for them when they need.
Also men, are we so weak that we cannot take the step and face up to the real world and make it on our own (without our parents to do the cooking, washing etc)?
September 9th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
The prophet (pbuh)’s parents both passed away when he was young; i think this is where God asks us to be creative and think of ways to take care of our spouse’s needs while not neglecting our parents/ in laws’ needs
the other thing no one dwells on which ghazala touches upon is the pressures on newly married women ‘leaving home, sometimes her job and friends, moving to a new area, a new home etc’ - your entire societal and social support structure can disappear, and the demands on a new wife (in asian terms) are great enough without the constant scrutiny (and near inevitable criticism) of a new family
September 9th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Just as an aside Fatema, I’d be personally annoyed if my wife left dirty dishes till the morning - LOL!
September 9th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Looking after parents doesnt mean staying with them. It means being there for them whenever they need you. I’ve seen many spineless men abandon their parents just coz dearest wifey said so, which in my opinion is pathetic.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Tut, tut, tut…
I would like to use this entire comment list above to illustrate perfectly why Asian marriages, particularly the so called modern muslims are failing. The current climate, and living in the western way of life, clearly shows how unislamic it is why daughter in laws do not want to live with their in laws, and why mother in laws can be so cruel (even when they have their disastrous daughters).
The solution to this long ongoing problem is very simple.. and that is people need to start returning to the way of life of the Prophet. There are far more important issues in marriage which most couples and in laws forget, and that is that we should be a shining example to the non muslims by showing how things are meant… nice/ respectful to our elders, curtious, understanding, giving, thanking and being grateful we have the opportunity to live in such luxurious conditions, than having the chance of being shot lets say in Gaza/ Palestine.
If only we were to reflect more, perhaps, women wouldnt have such problems. If the men in the family were to be a bit more alert and resolve problems without being biased, perhaps, just maybe perhaps, the world would be a happier place…
And mums and daughter in laws stop watching star plus dramas, adding more fuel to the problems by subconciously picking these nasty traits up!!! Grrrr
September 9th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
are you suggesting that marriages that do not fail if one is practicing and living with parents?
because as far as i am aware, if the wife asks - only but once to her husband to live not with the family Islamically he is obligated to move out.
i know many marriages that have failed due to in-laws. i also know many women that live hell to please these mother in laws and weak sons. AND i know many happy marriages that are independent - from all religions and backgrounds.
then again i also know a few very happy marriages where the son-in-law lives with the wife’s family
:D
September 9th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
it is not unislamic to live away from your parents - this is precisely the sort of thinking we have to avoid in order for marriages to survive - and my in laws told me i should watch more indian soaps in order to learn about ‘our culture’!
if you look at example in the Prophet’s life there aren’t overriding examples of people living with their in laws (for whatever reason, including in some cases the in laws being deceased) eg. Fatima (ra) and Muhammad (pbuh)
we need to face the fact that some families are stuck in a mentality that is 30 years old and has a lot to do with cultural norms and nothing at all to do with Islam. if you look back at our home countries people have actually moved on - again because this is a cultural practice.
I also know girls who live with their in laws and have to cause a break (where the couple move out) when the in law situation becomes dangerous for everyone’s health, or who live with in laws and still have to suffer immature husbands and in laws who makes everyone’s decisions for them.. with the inevitable divorce that follows
and living with your in laws is not a luxury for those of us who have suffered in these circumstances - i would actually pick a a war zone if i wanted a more stable marriage environment
September 9th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Love and care isn’t conditioned with living togather if one loves his parents he can take care of them. I agree its not unislamic to live alone leaving them apart….
September 9th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I also feel that forced living with your parents (in my case at least) denigrates the woman. What you’re basically saying is that your wife won’t care about your parents or give them the time of day/ a visit without giving her a chance to show she has the ability andf intention to care; the assumption should surely be that we will care for our in laws as we will for our own parents
September 9th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
There r many factors such as (family structure, economic, social trends, family tradition and customs of the society), plus liability sharing of the male better half, which are the determining factors weather to live with parents in-laws or not. I mean to say husband could also stay with wife’s parents and vice a versa….
World has turned into a global village and civilizations have been mixed up, though it Islam does obligate to live with in laws, but better to live with them and serve them to be served by your children. You will feel then how pleasant is it feels when your blood runs in young bodies of your kids and their mischeives titilliate you…and their faces gives you hope…
September 9th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
what about the sisters who gang up on vulnerable brothers wives. In my line of employment i witness this desperation and horror v frequently. By Allah these people, often respectable pillars have a lot to answer for. Is it a wonder that women want to live separate? And is this not their right to do so. And another thing, the onus is on the kids to fulfill THEIR parents responsibilities, not the missus. She is not answerable to God for this. Great article Fatema :)
September 9th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
thanks
September 9th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I have noted in families where there is one son and say 4/5 daughters, the daughters who have left home through marraige STILL look after their elderly parents more then the son that is living with them. Women tend to be more “useful” at these things - even when they have families of their own. The son may feel like he is fulfilling his royal duty but if (in many cases) he is supporting them financially only he can do this living 5 streets away cant he?
This issue may be that the men have no “need” to leave mummys’ comfortable cooking and the house they have grown up to have the guts to move out, god forbid take on a mortgage and bills of their own and start a real relationship ALONE with their wife. They are simply not “trained” to do this.
“what about the sisters who gang up on vulnerable brothers wives” - this horrific situation was brought up by the judge in the recent Sania Bibi case, where the husbands sisters allowed him to kill his imported young wife, and did nothing. The judge did recognize this and the sister and mother are awaiting the outcome of the judge’s decision. Thank god for the english legal system.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I would like to hear from men that want their wives to live with their parents. They are not coming forward.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1046541/Facing-jail-Violent-husband-beat-Muslim-slave-bride-day-arranged-marriage.html
September 10th, 2008 at 10:27 am
I have two brothers who moved out due to sucumbing to their wives’ wishes. Many muslim sisters
do agree that women are opportunists and will take advantage to a situation, esp if it means weakening a mother-son relationship. This shows how weak and pathetic men can be for allowing this to succeed and for losing control to a woman. This all happened during my fathers illness. I am the only one which is happy to care for parents now. To be honest, its no wonder i find the whole ‘fruits’ of marriage idea so
off putting!
I think those who move out, whole-heartedly adopt the ‘Gora’ attitude towards those whome they’re indebted to the most. Its a SELFISH act and find it disgraceful.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:28 am
reply to Yas: Are you suggesting that marriages that do not fail if one is practicing and living with parents?
No way did i mean that. I believe that mosy obviosuly it depends on the situation and the different characters involved. Secondly if it is financially ok for a couple to have their own place, and that the guys parents wont be in any sort of danger of debt, or falls, or whatever, if they wish to do so they should. I also believe that if the parents are of a dying age, and they really need taking care of all the sons especially, and if daughters have the mans to, they should stay nearby the parents or take them in to look after them, as they did us when we were young.
Because as far as i am aware, if the wife asks - only but once to her husband to live not with the family Islamically he is obligated to move out.
As for that, i am not sure if the hadith states this. But you see in my experience, many daughter i laws, maybe ones from abroad, just want the whole works, that is impossible financially! And some how woo he husband into dumping thir parents for no reasons. So then would he be obligated??? Hmm
i know many marriages that have failed due to in-laws. i also know many women that live hell to please these mother in laws and weak sons. AND i know many happy marriages that are independent - from all religions and backgrounds.
As for that part of the comment, like i said perhaps if mohers and brides were more practising, and worrying about the greater things in life as well as the men, there would be no hell life, but without a doubt no family s perfect…
September 10th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Mo
I take offence at you suggesting that living away from parents marriage is a western thing.
I can look after my parents without having to live with them thank you; I’m always on hand (an hour away) if they need something and visit weekly/call daily. That gives everyone their space without making anyone feel abandoned. Parents are the most important people in the world but different people have different ways of looking after them so one should not judge.
I’ve not read anywhere that it’s an islamic thing even to live with parents/in-laws… (might be wrong, but please show me if so).
September 10th, 2008 at 10:34 am
No i dont think its Islamic either, however it is our obligation to take care of them when they are in need especially when they are ill, old, or are suffering!!!
September 10th, 2008 at 10:35 am
I agree with Mushfaque’s comment. Can we once and for all realise that living with your parents is an Indian tradition and there are things in Hindu culture which make it imperative that the son stays under his parents’ thumb (the collecting of money/ salary into one pot for the whole family for instance) - this makes a mockery of marriage because the set up exists to subjugate the son and daughter in law. Basically we’ve adopted non islamic traditions which poison marriages and are happily passing off these practices as ones stemming from our religion.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Supriya, that is fine and necessary, but how is it an issue if I am caring for my parents or in laws when they live next door/ in the next neighborhood. If they are very old/ ill then one and one’s siblings will no doubt care for parents around the clock, but 99% of in laws I know are not in this situation.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:36 am
But i didnt disagree with yur comment
:-S
September 10th, 2008 at 10:36 am
I am married, and very happily living in my own flat…
May i take this opportunity to say that ITS GREAT!
Especially as my in laws dont know of my existence and that goes for my Son too!… long story…
:-)
September 10th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Ah ok, we are on the same page :)
September 10th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I can smell how much people have turn intolerable, by all means trying to prove that separate family system has the solution for all domestic problems. It might be by virtue of changing trends of family structures and interference of family members. We are losing eastern values and becoming a fervor of western school of thoughts…..
September 10th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I agree Muhammad. Isnt it funny how its mainly the women who advocate the western way?!
A married friend of mine who is having family probs (related to these issues) said to me that marrying an asian-muslim girl from the west is like marrying a Gorri. Didnt understood what he ment till i read the comments above. May Allah guide these sisters to the islamic family way.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:38 am
It’s not easy for women to be islamic when the men and their parents are engaged in unislamic behaviour and we are being told to live in an unislamic household - that is a serious argument for establishing your own household.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:41 am
@ Mo
you preach about islam but do not provide any evidene anywhere that islam enforces living with family. i sense some bitterness towards your brothers for sodding off and your trying to make yourself feel good by believing your doing the right thing. maybe there is a reason both of your brothers left your family home, after all if they really really didnt want to, nothing in the world could have made them, esp a wife.
peace
September 10th, 2008 at 11:00 am
there is no evidence that Islam enforces living with the family because it doesn’t force you to do the impossible! it is really baffling that men find it so hard to get married and practice kindness towards their wives, ie. listening to them if their wives don’t agree to living in a joint family system.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
> Labina
I think Islam encourages one to live away from family once they are married (counter to what’s being claimed by other people above).
September 10th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I had to skip read a few of the comments…as I’m not married myself I don’t think my opinion on the matter relly matters…not yet anyway. However, I may be wrong but I think a lot of maritial probs arise nowadays from having to live with your in-laws. I don;t think one can be ‘themselves’ fully when theres elders around. I am not saying that one should abandon their parents,far from it but I don’t believe one should HAVE to live with their parents. I believe you can live apart from your parents and take care of them-we should live by the example of our prophet (peace be upon him) though his father died before he was born and his mother died when he was still a child…but you know what I mean. Sometimes you have to put your marriage 1st…having said that if I was married and loved him I would happily live with his parents if he wanted us to and provided it wouldn’t put a strain on the marriage.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Asim, do you have any references from the Quran/ Suunah regarding that… I wonder if the situation is deliberately ambiguous as so much of life is not regulated / bound by detailed religious rules - Allah wants us to be good Muslims and work out the rest intelligently (as opposed to in a way that ties us to redundant unnecessary cultural practices)
September 11th, 2008 at 12:48 am
tu amina JC,
hmmm gud point bu lyk
think abou it wuld yu choose ur boifwend/gyalfwend
ova ur family ?
dat family datz cared foh yu luvd yu showed yu wiv everytink yu need
surpoorted yu tru da upz nd dwnz etc
foh sum person uve nown foh a few yearz ?
nd being a gyal im sure yu noe ( or one daii u will noe )
how it feelz to leave dem when yu get married off
unless yu wna get married 2 sum fresh guy lol ;P
bu lyk as i woz sayn leavn ur family aint lyk
leavn ur uni or work or car
its leavn a very big chunk owt ov ur lyf if yu
get wot i mean darlin
September 11th, 2008 at 1:18 am
>Labina
I don’t. But I can enquire with my cousin who I was discussing this topic with a while ago to point me in the direction… and I can post it here when I find out. :)
September 11th, 2008 at 2:35 am
@ Mo and other guys who are pissed off at their bhabi for moving out
Islamiclly a girl around her brother-in law will have to cover up like she would outdoor. If she has her bro in law (nonmehra) she would have to be covered up/in burka/hijab 24/7. that is not natural and she can’t relax in the house if she has 2 be in full cover all the time. how do u expect someone in that situation to handle it?
wat is wrong with getting a house next door. Guys need to stop being so cheap or get a 2nd job. stop wasting money on car or getting married in early 20’s with no job
September 11th, 2008 at 11:14 am
@ Meg - LOVED YOUR COMMENT!
(rated)
September 11th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
yeh bu meg
sum ppl aint dat islamic
lyk ul see loadz ov bengali bhabi’z not dressed up
da way yu sayn around der bro in laws
nd leavn ur family has nufink 2 do wiv bein cheap
its not da money problem dat mykes yu wna stay
its ur family.
im a wealthy person ( thnkz tu God )
bu i wouldnt wna leave my family
da family thatz been wiv me foh ova
19yearz
foh sum gyal ive onli known foh a few yearz
kum on gyal i turt
yu lot would understnd how difficult it
is 2 leave ur parents home x
September 11th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
To Dr Luv…
I don’t really get you tbh. I don’t fully understand what ur sayin to meg or me… are you sayin that girls should or shouldn’t live with their in laws after they wed? Note its different for guys and girls, traditionally if a couple lives with their parentsits the guys parents. And I assume ur a guy Dr Luv (you never know these days heh heh,btw joke,no offence)and I think ur sayin that you’d live with ur parents after u wed coz u cant choose a girl over ur family,ur blood but it sounds like ur sayin da same to me and meg,ie,girls that we cant or shouldnt leave our family for our spouse. But girls when they wed they have to leave the comfort of their parents home anyway ’cause they take on their husbands family wether or not they choose to live with them. I’m just saying I’m not clear on what you’re saying…should one live with their parents or not after they wed? Note if a couple does it’d be his parents.
Its just the way things are…personally I’m quite traditional…if I was in love with him and his parents were elderly and NEEDED to be looked after by me I would live with them only if they weren’t evil and constantly hurting me in some way. I’d take on his family name too,heh heh.
Maybe I have a fairytale notion on things…I believe in love and the strenghth of it and that I’ll marry the one who’ll be good for me and vice versa and if something horrid almost happens,lol,like me getting wed to a freshie that somehow the one I’m meant to marry will save me, but don’t know maybe fate has something in store to break my rose tinted glasses. My point to the last paragraph is that although I have ideologies I am only too aware,sadly,that what we expect doesn’t always happen…
Btw, I hope I havn’t offended anyone,even freshies…well if I did offend anyone it’d be freshies,lol but my intentions weren’t to offend ANYONE.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I strongly believe in the obligation of children to look after their parents in their old age; after a life time of nurtering and support, I think it’s the least that parents can expect from their kids. But it’s a two way street, and just as I was bought up to respect and be kind to my parents while they were my guardians, I would expect parents to extend the same courtesy to their children (AND their partners) when they find themselves living with them once they have married.
For example, in the case of my older brother who lives with his wife and our (widowed) mother; my brother and his wife pretty much do what they like and my Mum respects their right to do so, as well as their privacy. She treats my sister in law pretty much how she treats me, and my Mum’s house is her house too. In fact, my Mum looks after THEM in most ways as they both work full time and have busy lives!
But my Bhabi doesn’t take the piss, and when she’s at home she fully participates in domestic life. They have a whole system going where they support eachother. My Bhabi understands her duties, and my Mum appreciates that her daughter-in-law works full time and could do with the support.
They live together harmoniously, but the day will come when he and his wife will want to get their own place and live alone, which my Mum is absolutely fine with. I’m one of 5 siblings, so she’s not short of kids to look after her. She’s flexible about where she’ll live, and we’re all committed to looking after her no matter what.
It doesn’t always have to be doom and gloom you know.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Skital man this is such a touchy subject!!!!!! What do you do…..
February 25th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
I’m a mother of 3 boys a 1 girl .I’ve a building that consists of many flats .I,ve read the article & most of the comments& I became worried.what do you think is best :living in a the same building with my sons & daughter when they get married, or should I live in a separet building in the same district ????? pls think with me …which decision is more reasonable & leads to less problems?? I ‘d be grateful if you write from your own experience not ideals ..parents with experience in this are invited to advise me.I’m sure they also have their sufferings &worthwile opinion.
May 1st, 2009 at 7:00 am
Living With Parents-Artical:
Being Marriage-Counselor since lat 10 years and traveling very extensively for humanitarian projects. I believe that most of the family relationship depends on authentic thought process and analytical awareness of pros & cons in the matter to deal with.
Secondly,it is observed that 87% of young girls get influenced by these immoral TV-Srials with Family-Centered-Theme which they try to implement systematically.
Thirdly, the group they have frequency to move with/stay with/interact with where they are brain-washed with all wrong influences.
Lastly, it is fond that nearly 74% of mothers do influence wrongly to their daughters even after girls go away to In-laws place.
Thus; It is essential to analytically understand the issue of dishrmonized family-relationship then take unanimous decision to reactivate healthy atmosphere in house. it’s all because you have peace in the family you think better, if you think better you do better which brings happyness to everyone in the family.
Please rethink, that life is shorter than you think.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
If your a decent girl, and a decent boy and you marry into a decent family, none of these things are a problem. End of