The Imperfect Perfection
Posted on 17 September 2008 by Kaynath Parvez
In the society we live in today, how much are we willing to overlook when it comes to finding the “One”? Do we ask for too much? Or are we justified when we refuse to settle for any less than perfect?
It all kicked-off last Friday when I attended an old friend’s wedding reception. Months before the wedding, when his story had only just begun, he had rung to talk about the girl, his family, and their match, desperately trying to make sense of it all and understand if this really was ‘it’. Weeks later it had broken off, with him declaring that she wasn’t his ‘type’. They were worlds apart, he had said. He could never, ever spend his life with her.
Then one day, through my letterbox slipped a red and gold wedding invitation, with his name carefully etched on the envelope… alongside hers.
It came as a big surprise. Soon after frantically scanning my saree collection in my head, questions came flooding. How? Had he been wrong about her, or had he changed to fit her? Did she really fulfil all those demands he had harboured when we used to talk for hours about our ‘perfect people’, each urging the other never to just settle? Or had he accepted what he had been given, choosing to make the most of what he had?
I’m not sure if I class as the fussy type, but my mother will surely tell you otherwise. Don’t get me wrong; she wouldn’t settle for any Tom, Dick or Harry for her daughter. But her demand for a good son-in-law is far greater than, say, my demand for a guy that can converse fluently in our mother-tongue (an absolute necessity for me).
Is she justified? She sees it from a simple parental point of view, and while my father will no doubt stay up late doing credit checks, family background checks, friends-he-associates-with checks, and what-he-did-during-bachelor-days checks on my potential man (be very afraid), My mum will be sold if he has a good heart, good faith, and can keep me happy.
But can we be happy if we get less than we bargained for? Or does the selection-criteria thing only apply when it comes to arranged marriages?
In arranged matches we are arguably beyond picky. But initially we are going for the kill based on who they are on paper, and that first-impression meeting. So if he’s wearing a printed silk shirt with white sneakers, or she looks up with alarmingly protruding buck-teeth, can we really be blamed for saying ‘thanks, but no thanks’ to a further rendezvous?
Now let’s throw love into the equation. They say it’s blind, it holds no barriers, no prejudice and no limits. Ok, I’ll go with that. But even before we get halfway to love, we often filter out everything in the way that doesn’t accord with our preferences. He can’t stand her accent, she hates his dress sense, he doesn’t like her temper; she opposes his often-sentimental nature…
There is the time, however, when we take it as it is. No tweaking, no tailoring. Flaws and all. And it’s not ‘settling’, it’s love.
Maybe that’s it. Is love that one ingredient that can transform what is considered ’settling’ into ‘choice’? As the saying goes, it’s not about loving the perfect person. It’s about loving the imperfect person… perfectly.
   (13 votes. Average: 3.46 out of 5) |
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September 17th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Really good article:)
warm and fuzzy and all that …. lol
Nice work Kaynath!
September 17th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Every other article on here is about marriage, how sad. Is there really nothing else to your lives?
September 17th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Good shout Pimple, truth
September 17th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Asians obsessed with marriage - there’s a surprise..!
September 17th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
very well articulated.
September 17th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Boring!
Same old!
September 17th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
I disaagree with pimple, its thought provoking…Ive always thought okay…I could ’settle’ with that and not even thought of it as love… good point!
September 17th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Spot on Pimple (no pun intended)
If I see one more stinkin article by one more Asian chick obSESSed with the question of getting married, I think I’ll lose it. In my experience, Asian girls in this country can think of nothing else from their early teens. Every waking day of their life is spent plotting the answer to this question. It is desperately sad.
Seriously, people, there’s a thousand interesting topics to write about. It’s a shame that every time you fire up your laptop, you can only come up with yet another lame-ass article on the same ol’ lame-ass topic.
September 17th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
It’s true that a lot of Asian girls are seemingly obsessed about marriage but that’s because all the elders in the community ram it down their throats from a young age and give you a shelf-life of 25! Having said that, I did think the article was very well articulated and gave some food for thought.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:14 am
i have to say that i do agree with her and what she has written in regards to the arranged marriage scenario! Only recently i came across what is said to be a marriage CV of the eligable bachelor and what i saw amazed me. This is what our society has come down to when looking for the perfect match for their offspring!!
September 18th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Does the girl / boy not have a choice anymore? Or is it up to the parents to decide the future of the children? Is it just the parents that look for a marriage CV or us?, as in potential brides and grooms to be?
How will any of us find happiness or perfectionism, when most of us may not be perfect ourselves!?
September 18th, 2008 at 9:15 am
no one is perfect. but as a muslim i believe that allah makes us in twos, i mean couple. so only fools are thinking about his or her perfection.so we should be pleased with our partners and should not think about perfection or less perfection. ..nazim
September 18th, 2008 at 9:16 am
the thing is wen we go lukin for our lyf partner we end up datin them n then doin dis n dat…so dt in a way is rong to..n parents shud also allow us to luk but in da ryt wat..but every1 has gt da western mentality now…n da cv thing is just a joke..no1 does anythin in terms of religioin no more…they luk at religioin as a last resort…but das da wayu itis so we need to luk at ouyselvs in terms of our deen n religioin b4 we question everythin..
September 18th, 2008 at 9:16 am
This article confused me, as its a very stereo-typical generalisation of one persons life. What emotion/thought is this article trying to evoke?
My question is who decides what happiness,beauty and love is? - media, celebrities, friends? For example, I find Dr. Zakie Naik as one of the most beautiful men I have ever learnt about (even though Im a hetrosexual guy)…but would the western media? Would some one who doesn’t know him find him beautiful? What/who decides what we should find beauty?
Thus, whats wrong with a marriage CV - I think its very creative, efficient, modern and it helps to make the process less embarrassing than ’selling-yourself’ in-person.
Love is not happiness…iv seen tons on my friends who are in love miserable. I think Bollywood has forced this on us. Yet, iv seen more friends married to strangers, not in love but are over the moon with their partners after interacting with them. Maybe our expectations of our ideal partner is not our own (or our parents) but forced on us by the western life style we live, the media, celebrities, friends, Insidedesi even.
As a Muslim I know we are not made in two’s or why would men be allowed to have upto 4 wives - (Ans: Our Prophet (pbuh) knew there would be more women than men in the world due to increased wars, homosexuality, men who do not believe in marriage etc forcing many women to turn to prostitution as their is no breadwinner (not saying all women do that but some in government have asked for re-allowing brothels), raising kids alone thus increasing youth problems etc - problems we see in society nowadays with high divorce rates, single mothers and criminal angry children, sex trafficing, killing of girl babies etc)
In my Islamic opinion, marriage relies on respect, patience, trust, responsibility and most importantly love…not for each other…but for Allah (swt).
September 18th, 2008 at 9:17 am
….Love will always follow…
September 18th, 2008 at 9:17 am
If we also love someone we should let our parents decide because they are experienced and they know fully whts best for us
September 18th, 2008 at 9:18 am
kaynath is pretty
September 18th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Some of you people really are mental.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
the obsession is amusing, its because they are pursuing a retarded demographic.
but the author seems a far more adequate being than Lady J.
September 18th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
My partner was not attracted to me when he first met me. As you can imagine being a girly and known as being rather attractive, I was devastated. I only found out months after we were together. Naturally I demand we break up because, I know I am far to good to be some1’s second best (and i had a vast number of potential partners waiting by the side lines) AND I know that out-there is that person, who finds me their first best. SO in my mind I decided he go off and find his first best and I do mine, it was only fair. BUT his reaction to this statment made me think the sky was falling down. His world was coming to an end. When I eventually let him get a word in, ( it took alot of pleading ) he told me that, after getting to know me. I was the definition of beauty for him. I had changed he way of thinking and his insides.
I responded with heck, I AM NOT A PERSON WHO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH BECAUSE OF THEIR PERSONALITY. I could not belive I was one of those sad stories, the guys falls for the girl in the end because she is a NICE person.
a few more days of pleading and silence followed. He was the one, in my mind. the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - but not being that one person for him from the first moment, was something I could not handle.
Evenutally I have accepted that his love for me is so strong that I was able to change his definition of beauty, I changed his perception. I made a change to his being. Sure I feel insecure every now and then, but I also feel damn great, knowing that he loves me - the me inside and now the outside. AND I changed my belief in only accepting ‘the person i am with, will find me attractive from the first moment’
did we settle? no love changed us.
I enjoyed the last two paragraphs of your Article vastly Kaynath.
September 18th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
The big problem with brown people in this day and age is the search for perfection. we left the caste system and adopted the class system as if it’s something different. money and status make this world go round.
How’s about this for an idea:
We all stop looking for a ‘partner’.
An focus on ourselves - focus on the person you wish to be and actualise that ‘imperfection’.
What complements you will cross your path sooner or later and when considering life partners - focus on potential - if you get the full package. where is the room for growth.
Most chicks would look at my ‘marriage CV’ and pass. I think it’s great, means I don’t have to waste my time with people that live with their heads up their own asses. I hate facade and really that’s what desi marriages are all about. Facade. You have to play the game to be in the game, once you’re in the game and you get your prize, you’re in it for life. no thanks. I’d marry a tesco shop girl if I saw ambition in her to grow, achieve and to help me on my path too.
I didnt’ realise I had any potential until maybe the past two years and it’s made me ambitious. I want to exceed my potential.
I will.
As for you Kaynath I’d marry you if you weren’t a racist.
Desis are idiots in general though so I don’t hold it against you chick.
September 18th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
IBM: you rock!
September 18th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
How is Kaynath a racist?
September 18th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Who cares, it happens when it happens… simple as…
September 18th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
This article is just one big “YAWN,” Found the topic quite interesting even though its been discussed by every asian 101 times, the Yawn factor was the content and the way it was written.
They should have people who can
a)grasp a readers attention (or at the very least stop them from falling asleep or skimming right through it and wonder what the hell the point was of the whole article)
September 18th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I was sent the link to this article by a friend who couldn’t stop praising the author so I thought Id spend 5 mins to read through it and leave a comment.
The article was just one big YAWN! Initially I thought it would be quite interesting as the topic of marriage is quite rightly talked about the most amongst us Asians, however the contents and the way the article was written is of very poor standard. Inside Desi should have creative writers (emphasis on the creativity) and not just people who can string sentences together. Very Good attempt and effort but I think you should just stick to writing Dear Diary entries where only you’ll be wasting your time reading them.
I cant ask for the 5 minutes I had to waste on this article…… but Inside Desi- get some creative writers,,,,or writers at the very least- to read shoddy articles like this we could easily google up random asian forums! We expect better considering your trying to make it big and not just another “asian forum thingy”.
September 18th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
“Inside Desi should have creative writers (emphasis on the creativity)”
nothing personal, but thas very true, being someone who has studied creative writing, this article does seem very dear diary, if thas the intended desire, then congrats.
but yes, very true, if inside desi wish to break away to being something new and fresh and different… they need to break away from being this very teenage wanna be adult sort of feel that the articles seem to have… maybe i have not worded it correct but thats what it seems like.
plus marriage…. who cares, hundreds of guys can be the one, but the guy needs to feel he that she is the on, mum can think this, dad can do that… yawwwwwwwn as jasmin said, its become a debate of great boredom amongst young desi folk now… just shush up and get on with life, ‘the one’ will come along… its true trust me
September 18th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
plus, this ‘racisit’ thing… what the… how on earth does race come into it… kaynath parvez im sure is not a racist
September 18th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
the racist comment has me baffled, i dont agree with the comment and im not sure where it derives from
September 18th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
I found this article engaging and interesting and I adore how unique inside desi is. what other website can you name that is half as good as this, and stays true to its root? non that is.
everywhere i go i hear about inside desi, and i have to say i have become an addict. i love lady jalebi, now she is kick arse.
btw if your all yawning, maybe its because you need to get some sleep, as clearly your brains are not working as well as it should be
September 18th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
this comment doesnt relate to the article as much, but i needed somewhere to say this, and thought this would be the best place, for now.
inside desi are very brave allowing for such an open commenting system. the writers much be exceptionally confident to have their work critiqued at such a level.
this is not the greatest article to date,BUT it was still an enjoyable read. then again, i have seen worse articles in national news papers and magazines.
i write, but i dont know if i would be strong enough to have my stuff out there to be poked and prodded at.
i commend this website and its writers for being so open, it is very interesting if not risky. show these people have guts.
September 19th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Hiya Haynath,
Good article, addressing another common obsession.
Perhaps it’s timing is not so great, considering the other recent articles being posted.
I am guilty of being terribly picky and this to my demise.
Firstly on view, too skinny, too big, too short, to tall, too naff etc, thats 90% of the pics binned, before I’ve even met them.
Then the conversation, kills off another, say 5%.
Then I notice the little things like, his toes, feet, that finger that certain habit, that walk, his outlook on things etc. I try to deal with it, but it just eats away at me, thats the last 4%.
And then there’s the 1% chance that someone astonishly passes all the above, but then I become all besotted and weak and allas, I get the boot for not being able to pass the above myself! (I’m a hypocrite, I know!)
I hate that I’m like this, because I see so many friends happily settled with people, who I would have chucked at the photo stage. And the thing is, these guys are so loving, caring and sweet, yet still in my head, I know for one thing or another, I would have still filtered them.
I really admire my friends’ abilities to look beyond those sort of things.
So what you talk about, I can totally relate to, however what you don’t seem to address is how to deal with it, perhaps your article could have included some further research, maybe interview a social pyshcologist (typo?) to get their synopsis…
September 19th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
yeah I don’t know where that came from either… I guess the whole mother tongue thing.
I’m Muslim.. rather find a good Muslim than a good Paki.. if you catch my drift..
not racist then.. culturally elitist/insular maybe… hmmm I don’t know.
apologies.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Culturally elitist???
IBM she is not saying that her mother tongue is more elite than other tongues.
It would probably just be useful if her spouse speaks the same language that she and her family speak, you know the language they feel most comfortable and natural speaking.
The commonality of language and culture is not Islamically and ethically necessary. However I can understand people who want to have language and culture in common with their potential spouse without branding them a racist. To share a language and culture with ones companion can be highly conducive to producing a happy union, some couples will like to do things in the same way, have the same traditions, eat the same foods, raise their children the way they were raised etc. I am in no way saying people should and must marry within their culture, neither am I saying that one culture is superior to another. All I point out is that it is neither racist, offensive nor Islamically wrong that people like Kaynath wish to have culture and language in common with their spouse.
About the yawning, Kaynath is free to write about any issues that are of interest to her. The reader is also free to read about any issues that are of interest to them. In other words she does not find this a yawnsome topic, it is in fact relevant to her and hence she writes about it. Not all articles ever written will be of interest to you, so guess what? You do not have to read it, stop complaining. Many people, Asian or not, find the topic of finding their Mr Darcy of the utmost importance. I don’t really understand why people are pointing out that Asians are obsessed with marriages and finding the one, I am under the impression that it is quite universal.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
i don’t get the racist thing cos there is nowhere she said anything racist. the article starts with how people are so selective and fussy, and shes only included herself in that by giving an example of how language is important to her. so how is that racist, shes telling her view and questioning herself on how selective she herself is.
also i agree with person above that said how brave inside desi writers are, seriously guys, you have guts! kaynath i dont know how ur reading some of these comments and taking it all in, but from my side well done and ur one of my 2 favourite writers on this site, the other being kia abdullah. i just loved her book. this read wasnt yawn at all, im sure there are articles that these ppl skip through so why even bother with this if it didnt engage their interest??? these people are jealous of who u are and what ur doing, and believe me theres a lot to be jealous of. so relax girl.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
In regards to the comments about desis being obsessed by marriage.
I don’t really see the problem. Our culture is very much community orientated whereas the society we live in is more about the individual.
Desis generally stress about marriage and family… whereas the rest of this country stresses about teenage pregnancy, binge drinking and the how to spice up your sex life all the while obsessing ever more over which celebrity did what last night with who in what place and in which designer underweat/jewellery/fragrance combination.
could be a lot worse
desis stress about marriage because in general.. we still value it. I think that’s a great thing and something we should be proud of.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Trisha - balls of steel indeed
Uma - you’re right. I’m wrong. I know.
I tend to shoot my mouth off a lot.
Sabrina - yes we’re past that already, keep up luv
September 20th, 2008 at 12:53 am
“btw if your all yawning, maybe its because you need to get some sleep, as clearly your brains are not working as well as it should be”
Just woke up……read the comments…..think il go back to bed (lack of sleep doesnt seem to be the factor here)
i think post by “just someone” made a good point with no personal digs at the author but just at the fact the article may not have been up to standards of what is to be expected from an online magazine. There are blogs and myspace’s out there to write stuff on. Just iv heard a great deal about inside desi and can see where some people have a point in expecting a higher standard off them and not for it just to be another typical forum place with random blogs here and there. i do agree Lady Jalebi and co have got some great articles out there. Anyways inside desi on the whole is pretty cool just try not to keep the quality consistent
September 20th, 2008 at 12:56 am
i mean “just try to keep the quality consistant”
September 20th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I actually thought this article was rather thought-provoking and articulate.
Not entirely sure what ’standards’ people are after, but an enjoyable read Kaynath which led me to have a conversation in depth on the very same subject with my own mother. Not your best piece, that I agree with, but you’re gifted so your writing is way above standard anyway. Good good.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:30 am
I actually enjoyed reading this article, it gave me food for thought, and didn’t make me yawn once, and i have quite a short attention span. I liked the writing style, it was as if u were having a convo with me, and actually saying those words, to some that might seem dear diary but i liked it. I think finding the one is a key issue on a female mind, not just the asian female mind. Most girls think it, so why cant it be written about? if u have an issue about it and are looking for something more intellectually stimulating thers always other websites such as bbc news