Shades of Brown
Posted on 04 September 2008 by Kia Abdullah
We use racial stereotypes in banter but there is a darker side to our generation
Gujaratis are stuck up.
Pakistanis are stingy.
Indians run corner shops.
Sri Lankans own petrol stations.
And Bengalis are obsessed with fish.
Right?
Ok, not right, but how many of us have used one of those stereotypes to make fun of a friend? How many of us have used potentially offensive language when talking to our peers?
I have addressed an Asian friend as ‘Paki’ on more than one occasion. This has always been okay because a) We’re friends and b) I’m brown too. If those two factors were not in place, I think it could easily be construed as racist.
Take Jennifer Lopez’s hit ‘I’m Real’. She was lambasted for using the N-word in it, despite the fact that rappers do it in almost every track. Why? Because she isn’t black.
Take a more relevant example: An Asian guy I know was arrested for calling a petrol station clerk a “Paki”. He was trying to buy cigarettes but the shop was closed so he said, “Aw, come on man. Don’t be a Paki.” The clerk took offence, called the police and the guy I know was taken down to the police station.
It may be an overreaction on the clerk’s part, but I can see where he was coming from. You see, on the other side of our light-hearted banter lies real racism, which has somehow managed to creep down into our generation. Whether it is a relic of our parents’ time, a long-reaching consequence of Partition or borne from new attitudes and fresh conflict, it does exist.
In the past I’ve known couples to break up because their cultural heritage didn’t match. This wasn’t a fantastic situation but it was understandable; they knew their parents would have a problem with the union and decided to respect their wishes. Accommodating our parents’ racism out of respect is one thing but propagating it, as I’ve seen many do, is another thing entirely.
My Pakistani friends who have married Bengalis receive endless criticism from their peers for marrying into ‘a lower culture’. An Indian friend who is involved with a Sri Lankan guy has been insulted by boys her age for dating outside her community.
How bloody ridiculous is this? Shouldn’t we have passed this hang-up about twenty years ago? I could have written this same article a decade ago - surely things should have moved on?
Many of my friends say they wouldn’t enter an interfaith marriage. I think faith is important as it has quite a large impact on your way of life. Race, on the other hand, has a far smaller impact. There may be cultural differences, there may even be a language barrier but surely these differences don’t warrant the type of acrimony that exists between the South-Asian races today?
I mean, really, with all the other crap going on in the world today, shouldn’t we all get over ourselves and find a way to stick together?
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September 4th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
“Many of my friends say they wouldn’t enter an interfaith marriage. I think faith is important as it has quite a large impact on your way of life. Race, on the other hand, has a far smaller impact. There may be cultural differences, there may even be a language barrier but surely these differences don’t warrant the type of acrimony that exists between the South-Asian races today?”
I wouldn’t marry outside of my ethnic group. Although this is purely out of preference, I don’t agree with your rhetoric. I think although they all started from a common source, there is still quantifiable distinction between them - enough for someone to base such a decision on.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Miss Fabulous. As per usual ;) X
September 4th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Thank you. I do try my best. :)
September 4th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
You did mean me right? :(
September 5th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
a really awesome note.. !
September 5th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
gud article but it wil never be tooken notice of.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
that’s the first time ive heard bengalis are obsessed with fish… but it was an interesting article. Although it is a shame that neither intercultural (for lack of a better word), interfaith and inter-race relationships are difficult to accept within the south asian community.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Nice article. We will take over the world someday man - then we can openly call them … them.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Thanks for sharing this. I am an American of Chinese descent and I dated a Sri Lankan guy I knew back from high school. I remember he told me that Sri Lankans and Indians don’t get along in general (not that he was like that). He ended up having an Indian apartment mate, loads of Indian friends in college, and eventually dated an Indian girl (after we broke up). I bet he ended up marrying a Sri Lankan girl because of his strict parents. We in the Chinese American/Asian American communities are so divided both civically and politically so we have a hard time getting organized due to our varying socio-economic, religious and immigration backgrounds. I believe if we continue in this way, this lack of unity will hurt us.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Touchè..deep shyte..good work!!
September 5th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
pagal lurki, at least you have your looks to fall back on.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
well( PAKI ) means holy Right???
September 5th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Pak means pure, not holy.
While I agree with this note, can I just point out that Bengalis DO like fish! what’s wrong with that? Punjabis like their chicken! there’s nothing wrong with that! Don’t be ashamed of your culinary habits!!
(I’m just kidding btw)
September 5th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Interesting comment, but it’s odd that asians comment on political parties like the BNP(British version) being racist without looking at ourselves.
However one piece of silver lining is that as we 2nd and 3rd generation asians grow up, we will not pass on this racism, overt or veiled to our children.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
With young asians, i do believe that there is a very strong confusion between patriotism and racism,,,,,,,there is a thin line seperating the two being proud of our origin is one thing and being damn right OTT about is bordering alng the lines of racism as it may be portrayed
September 5th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
why is it offensive to be called a paki or a nigger anyway. It meens wat it meens
paki = pakistani
nigger = black person
if u think about it these terms only have power to be negative if we let them.
also im bengali and i do luv fish lol
September 5th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
am sure its shootkey not fish, but any hoo, a barriar between races aint plusible, but a barriar between religion is.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
also from ur article u say about bengali/pakistani marriages ive noticed its the other way
i know plenty of mixed marriages between bengalis and pakistanis and most of them were objected to by the bengali side.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Until the philosophy which holds one race superior and another inferior is finally and permanently discredited and abandoned and totally destroyed, everywhere is war.
very nice that read its very interesting
well its 21st century folks
expect alot more, because the worst is yet to come.
read malcolm x and you will understand why !
September 5th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I believe asian people are really arrogant. They can not see one another suceed in life and stick to only their own cast.
Bengalis and pakistanis have always hated each other since the separation in 1971 and specially the older generation can not forget the hardship they went through.
I think as most people will agree in time this would be forgotten and hopefully the generations to come will not know the difference between the cultures and get along in good terms.
September 5th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Gujjus are stuk up?!?!?!?!
i guess… this gen needs a betta term i guess..
time to get ova d myths..
but not a bad note overall..
cheers !
September 6th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Lol.. Asim, are you a ‘Miss’?
September 6th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Lack of undestanding, intlectual levels n ignorance… People juz need to be open minded. Nice article.
September 7th, 2008 at 1:01 am
very intersetin article
i have to say
as i kan remember when i was gwin
owt wid my fouth girlfriend ( a punjabi gyal )
i was having doubts about going to far with her
as i am a man who believes that its wrong to
go into a relationship thinking that its going to end
in a few months nd it would b just a bit of fun ( with some added perks ;) )
and so i was alwayz afraid to get too close to her and show her how much i
really did love her.
Cut the story short dnt wana tell yu my whole love story lol
i broke up with her bkuz i new that my family would not accept a punjabi girl
as she was not muslim, and i new that if i had asked her to marry me nd chnge her religion she would have done so, but i believe that religion (a relgion that yu have believed in your whole life) is something that yu should neva chnge because of a loved one.
and purly because of this reason i left her, and till dis day i noe she still has feelings foh me nd i still feel the same about her.
but there’s nothing i can do, i would always put my family first before my self, and i will always do everyting i can to keep my parents happy and if that means loosing someone i care so dearly about so be it ……
September 10th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
man, some of you posters above are quite retarded.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
lol @ asian: amen!
While it’s true that assumptions exist about all ethnic groups, I think a distinction needs to be made between believing in harmless stereotypes and actual racism/discrimination.
I challenge ANY person to deny that they have stereotypical views about different ethnic and cultural groups. Our perceptions of others are based around our interactions, experiences and exposure, and that’s a fact that can’t be helped. I think it’s absolutely natural for people to formulate ideas about what a particular group of people are like.
I tease a Jewish friend for being tight fisted. Is he? Not at all. But the stereotype of Jewish people being thrifty and shrewd is entrenched in the truth, something which he recognises and we can both laugh about. My pakistani friend calls me an ‘Orange Bengali’; have I ever eaten paan in my life? Nope. But lots of Bangladeshis do, and that’s a fact. To dispute it would be farcical.
It’s how much you act on your perception and regulate your behaviour which is the real issue. Your views might be formed by a small group that you’ve been exposed to, but it isn’t representatitive of the group at large. That’s the fine line between having an ‘idea’ about what a group of people are like and being racist.
There’s nothing wrong with using stereotypes as a catalyst for humour between friends, but common sense must be employed. Calling your childhood friend a ‘Paki’ in jest is fine; calling the man at the garage forecourt who knows nothing about you is plain dumb.
This article should be calling to people to engage some common sense and sensitivity, but trails off a bit by moving into ‘mixed marriages’ which is a completely different issue altogether and is rather simplified here. Lord knows I should know…..
I think the issue of marriage between ethnic, cultural and religious groups is highly complex with many factors coming into play, not least to do with deeply held stereoptypes. It hasn’t been given justice as a bolt on to this article and warrants a feature of it’s own, so bring it on Kia!
September 19th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I believe stereotyping is a mental model. If see an asian…I cant easily make out wat country he/she belongs. Personalities are different no matter wat background u hail from.
People of various personalities are found in all race, caste, creed or sex….u find a thief, a saint, a miser, a squanderer in all races.
About marriages…dont get into a relationship if u know ur race gonna be an issue wen it comes to marriage…if u r really serious about it.
secondly, y do u think that faith does matter in your lifestyle?
The issue is not in the colour..it IS in the mind!
If I am a Hindu and want to marry a Muslim girl i don’t see it a problem as I had accepted her as a Muslim in my life. I should respect her religion and let her continue her faith and belief in her God…she ain’t committing a sin by doing so.
Conversion is just a formality or an excuse to look good in the community. If u r worried about it ..dont take the step of marriage. I can’t change her past by doing that and I won’t want to cause her a psychological hassle after she has already gone against her family’s will. I think people (mostly men) take an undue advantage of the partner’s love.
I won’t want her to convert to my religion…why should you want to convert someone to your religion in the first place….wat do u wanna prove? She isn’t my property.
People need to ask themselves the question….how can u like the person but not the religion if that attributes to the individual’s personality. No matter wat ..u wil be always known by ur roots.
People follow Bollywood big time…but don’t follow wat they do in real life…interfaith marriages without conversion…aren’t they leading a good life.
U cant call anyone a racist when u discriminate others urself…in other words u r racist urself….u were better born blind than to learn to discriminate humans!
September 20th, 2008 at 2:29 am
Amrish trust bro its easier
sed den dun
ive seen plenty of family’s hu hav
broken all tie’s with there child
because they wore a difrent race/religion
wot we understand as being normal ( marryin a white christen gyal )
while ur asian nd muslim.
our family ( parents ) fynd it
very difficult to understand.
nd just say yu was Hindu nd ur wife was muslim
what religion would your children be ?
would they be going to a mosque on friday
nd then go2 a temple and prayin to ur lord ?
i just tink lyf gets too complicated
when you marry someone who has a difrent religion then urs
as ur family may disown you
nd you would be frownd apon in the asian community
if you get wot i mean nd i noe im only 18
and ive still got plenty of tym before i get married
bu sumtymz you have too fink abou stuff like this
before you fall in love with sum gyal
and wish you had not.
bkuz you had to choose between your love or ur family
September 21st, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Hear hear!
I totally agree with this writer, its time to move on and make changes!
Well written article, short and snappy, straight to the point!
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:37 am
@ Dr. Luv.
U spk ur age and somebody else’s words.
U will get wiser by tym.
I agree wid wat u hav said but dont build it as a fortress and live indoors.
I have no problems wid my children following whatever religion as long as it teaches them good sense and culture. It has worked for people around me with cross cultural marriages. U r worried about ur children going to mosques or temples…ur brain is dwarfed. I would like my children to love God …in whatever shape or form…loving and respecting all religions, humans and animals of all race. I better lead them a good life.
Let them follow the religious practices by the love of God, not by the fear of God.
90% people in all religions want people to follow the rules by the fear of God…”if u dont do ABC….XYZ will happen”…dats nuffin but spreading the fear …same as dat of a tyrant! Everyone claims their own superiority.
Ur parents should be content wid ur happiness and not their selfishness for getting an outcaste bride.
Family breaking ties with you….YES, it is selfishness. They are ready to sacrifice ur love and happiness for societal pressures. This shows that they care more about the society than you. U ver better born somewhere else than to have such a family.
What does society give you when you are in need..nuffin. People can count more on their friends than relatives….n i can bet my bottom dollar on it!
I have seen relatives, community and society much more than u I guess.
If you have power and money ur wrong is right and vice versa.
Its much better to marry a woman u love than to start loving a woman u get married to…..dats more of a compromise.
Compromises on both ends….especially from the female side…succumbing to pressures, demands and tortures.
Wat I see is people just dragging their lives in arranged marriages…they are not actually successful…but appear to be. Arranged marriages are more of safety nets.
Not all love marriages are successful and neither the arranged ones.
Survey couples with anonymity….n u will know the truth.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:12 am
Oh Dear! Some of the grammar on these responses are terrible to say the least!
Interesting article but nothing will ever change.. human nature I’m afraid. When others are different from us it’s always going to be US and THEM!
October 10th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Kia, I don’t remember you to be brown, but if you say so.
October 10th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Good article, found it a great read.
Sadiqur, are you the dictionary police? This is the internet, spelling does not matter.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
I had to comment on the marriage thing and Amrish and Dr Luv may find what I’m about to say interesting as I kinda saw both your points but couldn’t agree fully. Heres why-
Its one thing marrying a different race and its completely another marrying someone from a different religion. The 1st is more about cultural acceptence and the latter is more serious as its not only about this life but the next. As a Muslim bengali girl who comes from a traditional family if I want to marry…say a pakistani Muslim guy theres more than a fair chance of a lot of people in my family not accepting it,however if I truly love him I would at least try and fight for him,as the reasons for not wanting to marry a different race is diffeent to not wanting to marry a different religion.In my view at least,its more important that my future spouse be a Muslim than him be a bengali-heres why:
When someone loves someone they love them or at least ought to love them fully. And only thinking about this life isn’t enough,you hope to enter Jannah after death and if you love your spouse you want them to enter with you. And if you’re truly religious you know for that to happen your spouse has to be of the same religion you know. I can imagine marrying a convert but not someone who converts for me. It has to be for Allah,only then can it be genuine. Compared to religion,race is nothing,religion goes beyond this life. I don’t know about any of you,what your take on this but for me I would have to marry a Muslim and its not ’cause I want to please my family…its because I want to be with him in this life and the next, the eternal one.
October 11th, 2008 at 2:08 am
I think the tone in which one uses these terms, determines the level of racism intended, in addition to who says it as well. If a mate who was brown, called me a paki in a general sentence, it’s really not that offensive. However if a non brown person said it, in a general sentence, i might be able to let it fly. But the truly insulting terminology would be if it was said in an aggressive manner, or with additional foul language e.g. using the f word before hand. And it is this highly negative stereotype which, I think, makes it so derogatory. The reason terms like this get used by people who are ‘targeted’ by such words e.g. black people using the n words, is simply a method of dissipating the strength of the word when used in a derogatory sense, it’s a self defence mechanism to say - “we can use this word, and it doesn’t bother us, in fact we embrace it.” However a racist person will always find another word or term to use, in a tv documentary about racist metropolitan police, the term “Stans” was used as “paki” would generally not be openly usable as it would be seen as an obvious racist word. Words are words, but it’s the tone and nature you use them that can make them harmless or racist.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:40 am
Asisns are still segregated and distinct themselves fro each other. The truth is that there’s no such a thing as an Asian community. to be honest I only care about Bengali, not Asian because I’ve got nothing to do with them. I don’t understand why Pstanis say “bengalis eat fish all day” when it’s just another dish for us, we eat more RICE than anything else. Plus I don’t understand why they like to keep dissing us. Most bengalis dont even talk about pstanis. and Indians like to think they’re the best in the world.
It’s a shame really.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
@Dr Love. I think it’s incredibly naive to put your family’s “happiness” ahead of yourself and your own life. You’re not doing anything wrong -one cannot help who they fall for and it should be irrespective of race and religion. I’m Bengali and from a Muslim family - my partner is chinese and an atheist. I feared that my parents would disown me because of our relationship. They went through a period where they were angry - I expected that but are gradually getting used to the idea. the point is, pleasing our families at whatever cost has become intrenched within bengali culture and it isn’t right. You have to do what’s right for you - we’re not extensions of our parents. As long as we’re good people race and religion shouldn’t matter.