A is for Accountant, B is for Biodata…
Posted on 14 April 2008 by Lady Jalebi
“Lady Jalebi is a young, vibrant Londoner quite happily living the single life and playing the field. Her anxious parents however, think it’s high time she settled down and are on a quest to find the perfect Desi guy for her to marry. From set ups to speed dating, join her each month as she provides a light-hearted insight into some of her weird and wonderful encounters on the long journey to find The One.”
So there I am at work not doing very much as usual, when I get my daily email from my mother. She sends me mundane snippets about the weather and her health problems, guilt-tripping me into replying so she knows I’m still alive and thinks I actually care.
This time however, after getting over the initial shock that my mother had grasped the use of attachments, I saw that there was an ulterior motive… my mother’s friend had sent her the ‘biodata’ of a seemingly eligible bachelor who was looking to get married. For those of you who don’t know, a biodata is like a marriage CV that gets circulated within the Asian community until someone deems you suitable for a meeting with their precious son/daughter.
I inwardly groaned as I read my mother’s desperate plea to meet this lovely chap who was a qualified accountant, the Holy Grail for all mothers. I opened the document and after a quick perusal of the first page felt slightly bemused. The man in question had put his contact details at the top and then proceeded to list every single grade and exam he had ever taken. He was obviously trying to dazzle me with his intelligence rather than waste time with trivial details about his interests. After all when it comes to marriage, wouldn’t you rather know about their GCSE History grade instead of their personality? On the next page was a photo of him in a grey suit, not smiling and looking very formal.
He was seven years older than me, fairly stocky, with simpleton features and a side parting. He was incredibly serious looking and to put it bluntly, so ugly that I kept laughing uncontrollably every time I saw it. My boss could hear my barely concealed guffaws and deduced that I wasn’t doing a stroke of work. A second opinion couldn’t hurt so, trying hard to keep a straight face; I showed him the picture of my potential fiancée. He looked at me pityingly and said ‘oh dear’ which pretty much summed up the whole situation. I wondered if I was being mean and superficial.
I looked again to try and find something attractive about him, I mean he wasn’t so bad and who knew, maybe in person he might look better. Then my eyes strayed to his thick, dark lips. They had a wet fish look about them that gave me the heebie-jeebies at the thought of any physical contact with this guy. He may well be the nicest guy on the planet but there was no way he could ever get my juices going.
When I got home my mother wanted to know whether I’d meet him. Of course she thought he was catch of the day – he was an accountant, religious and intelligent (look how many A’s he got in his GCSEs), what more could a girl possibly want! er… maybe some features that make him resemble more of a human and less like the monster from the Goonies perhaps? And am I really being that fussy to ask for a personality at least one level higher than a brick wall? Well, according to my mother the good looking boys are bad because they fool around with lots of women, and personality isn’t important because it changes once you’re married. Basically, all that matters is whether he has a good character and is professionally qualified. I rolled my eyes in despair. My mother wasn’t happy. I refused to meet him and was completely incapable of talking about him without collapsing in a fit of giggles. In fact the more I laughed, the angrier she got until she was soon giving me a stern lecture on how God would punish me for making fun of others’ side partings, how looks shouldn’t matter anyway because they fade, how it was more important to be with a good person who would provide for you, not to mention that I wasn’t exactly all that myself.
I looked at my mother as if she was deranged. What she said was right of course, but this guy had no looks, no height, no personality, was far too old and serious for me, and yet simply because he was a religious accountant I was supposed to throw myself at him or risk being left on the shelf. I warned her that if I married old sugar lips she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren. After two days of her shouting at me, pleading, giving me the silent treatment to no avail she finally gave up.
I never did meet the accountant but I sincerely wish him well. I’m sure wherever he is, one day he’ll make some simple (possibly visually impaired) girl very happy. Thankfully though, it’s not me.
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Tags : lady jalebi, marriage
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April 14th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I’m looking forward to lady jelabi
-finding herself out of her league and inadequate
-showing a bit of serenity/class (delete as appropriate)
-getting old and haggard and lonely
-getting run over by a bus!
nice webzine though, finally off the mark. I look forward to what is to come.
-f
April 15th, 2008 at 1:01 am
this made me laugh out loud literally. i think your accountant sent his biodata to my mum. yeah, good work with the webzine.
Tisha
April 15th, 2008 at 8:59 am
absolutly love it! look forward to the next!
April 15th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
…”He will make some simple, perhaps visually impaired girl happy?” Im sure he wasnt that bad looking, I think maybe your talking thru your back? and for your mum to send you a pic of someone of his looks tells me your quite somewhat ugly yourself perhaps. Ou yes.. that makes sense actualy, no wonder i thought you are talking through your backside
April 15th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
ooopsi - i think Mr Blah Blah is also known as Mr Accountant! Thank God you didnt accept, all this talk of backside makes me think he is a little on the Bendy/Gay side.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
BTW i totally loved it!
April 15th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
jelebi: you don’thave to be a total arse to be funny you know..
April 15th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I think it’s funny and I’m a bloke, anyone who gets offended needs to lighten up.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
people stop being so sensitive. its an article…so what if the humour is a little dry, its a refreshing change to all the fluffy stuff you read these days. Frankly, i love the harsh honesty! we want MORE!
April 15th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
but i don’t even find it funny!
April 15th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Lady Jalebi is a legend- this is a hilarious insight into the world of blind dates. And that’s exactly what it is- an account of an individual’s experience, written in a humourous way (TickTack is spot on). So Blah Blah can go back to their sad little online existence, criticising people who have the guts to share these stories with the world.
Looking forward to the next instalment Lady J!
April 15th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
it tried to be funny. didnt work much.
ditto fugstar.
il look forward to the next installment though,
its like car crash writing.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Its realli funny but accountant r nt dat bad
April 15th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
J,
Spot on with the emotions, although I reckon you’ve been quite polite in your webzine..if you’re anything like the rest of us girls. You probably couldn’t print what we really think when we see these pent up pictures of mummy’s boys, lol..
April 15th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I’m with spiderman on this one. People leaving harsh comments need to lighten up, it’s not like she’s publishing accountant man’s biodata (although that would be funny as well). Miss Jalebi is providing a valuable service highlighting the bad choice of side parting photos.
Also, doctor trumps accountant any day
April 15th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
I like it. It’s funny but it has been done before. In fact, I used to read Kia’s one (the featured writer http://insidedesi.com/2008/04/01/ki-a-ladki-hai%e2%80%a6-by-kaynath-parvez/) . It’s pretty outdated but I think it’s still available somehwhere on her site (www.kia-abdullah.com). I’ll try and dig it out imn case anyone’s interested.
Oh, and excuse the name - just thought I’d complete the circle what with Spiderman and Batman already having commented.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I don’t know if this is meant for public consumption anymore since it’s not linked from her main site but the page still seems to exist
http://www.kia-abdullah.com/aframe.html
And it’s funny coz she says ‘what is it with all these accountant?” in it too.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
superman, i think you’ve really lost the point here…there are a hundered differnet articles on the net about financial markets which reference the pretty much teh same stuff but do we care they cover similar topics? NO.
its a point of view and a personal account, nothing more. you sound like a broken record! shoulder on chip comes to mind…
April 15th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
You go girl!!! pssh, who cares if he was an accountant he sounds boring..but then again you never met him. Anyway, it was just never meant to be :-(
take care,
Shubby
April 15th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Funny becos its tru. An accurate yet light-hearted and humourous depiction.Bravo lady jalebi ;)
April 15th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
lol its an accurate description of how us girls feel when we see these guys… i’m sure lady jalebi’s intention is not to attack accountants, its simply called humour!! and its the kind of thing us girlies can totally relate to!! good stuff, keep it up :) xxx
April 16th, 2008 at 12:10 am
did not mean to be harsh.. but yeah look forward to a second instalment.
(i think)
:P
April 16th, 2008 at 2:13 am
Superman and any other who cant just lighten up…….
what ever to just being able to write about ones true feelings or reactions to a situation….. i think a girl well actually any girl should be able to react in any which she may need to when it comes to basically the rest of her life… So wht if Lady Jalebi doesnt like the terrible side part of Mr. Accountant, had no personality, and sounded like the most boring person ever, would any person want to spend their life with someone like that, unless they themselves were like that too.
Lady J u keep the articles coming and all u men who cant take it article in a lightly manor maybe they should not read it. And finally everyone can see wht kinda rubbish women have to go through, doesnt matter if its here in the Uk or here in the states its all the same.
Lady Love US
April 16th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Props to Lady J - She knows how to entertain!
People should remove their heads from up their arses and experience life for what it truly is … Compatibility isn’t an exact science so why force it?
We’re all part of the same hypocrisy - Lady J for London Mayor!
Keep ‘em comin’ and I’ll keep readin’ x
April 16th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
pretty poor “article” - not funny, adds nothing, and poorly written. And as for “Lady J” ; incredibally superficial and shallow, good luck in finding someone for marriage - you’ll need it.
April 16th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Jazz, it’s a column which means it’s meant to be opinionated and just her take on things. Look at the intro - ‘a light-hearted insight..’ it’s not promising to be hilariously side-splitting or winner of the Pulitzer literary prize or even some in-depth article that will change your life and add meaning to your existence. It’s just a view point so get off your high horse and stop being a dick.
And are you saying you’ve never judged someone on their looks before or that looks don’t matter to some extent? Have you ever heard of the word ‘attraction’? Or maybe your just feeling a bit sore because you might be a bit on the physically challenged side like Mr Accountant and have had this reaction to you…? Or maybe you got forced into marrying some ugly guy and think everyone else should too.
If someone finds another repulsive, then why should they be forced to meet someone? He might have a great personality but if there’s no spark then it’s not gonna happen. Everyone has different taste, she just happens to not like this guy. Superficial and shallow? I think she’s just being normal and not a sanctimonious prick like some other people.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Love the article and can totally relate to this! I look forward to more. Don’t be offended by others harsh comments … maybe they’ve married those accountant types or are those accountant types :)
… Keep writing … I can totally relate!
April 16th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Woahhhhhhhhh… k!! People people I think you all need to chill!
We all have our likes and dislikes - in the society we’ve been brought up in, it’s hard to just look at a photo/read a boring biodata, and decide on whether he could be ‘THE ONE.’
I personally, would not want to think of marrying a person knowing that all he initially wanted to share was his educational background - I mean, seriously, would you?! I’m sure you’ve all had a peek at shaadi.com at some point in your lives, and you have the bog standard - edu data, boring data etc, whereas you also have people who actually share a little about their personality, and they’re the ones that stand out.. surely!
The fact that this article has had so many comments after a day, and seems to be causing so much controversy, shows that there are lots of great points to the article as a whole!
However, you’re all taking it so personally! Those negative commenters seem to have a lot of underlying issues raised (self obsessing, unconfident WEIRDOZ) - just take it for what it is, and enjoy the LIGHT HEARTED insight - ditto to MUFFIN & Lady Love US!!
As a wise person once said to me, Don’t hate… RELATE!!! ;)
Looking forward to the next hair raising article Lady J!! :)
April 16th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
PS Love the pic!
April 16th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
loving the debate on here…Lady J’s article is turning into a love/hate thing by the looks of it…definitely ruffled some feathers by as well(i’d put good money on those with the “cultured” opinions being accountants or married to accounts..ditto RT!!). For the record got nothing against the “inspiring” profession that is accountacy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 16th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Lady Jalebi,
Quite simply…You Rock!
The article had me laughing out loud! So nice to read some entertaining honesty about the very real horrors of desi blind dates.
The controversy sparked is hilarious, you seem to have bruised quite a few egos-uh oh more Mr Accountants out there than we thought ;)
I agree with you-finding ‘the one’ can be a long treacherous journey, so we definately deserve a few laughs along the way…really looking forward to reading more from you.
& Good luck to us all :)
xxx
April 16th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
oh look, i found a ‘funnier’ one
http://www.asianamag.com/Article/ArticleDetails.aspx?URLPrefix=Wedding&MasterPageSectionURLName=Traditions&ArticleCategory=Traditions&ArticleID=156
April 16th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Marmite and Lady Love US,
Relax, I wasn’t attacking her. I said I liked it and thought it was funny but I had heard it all before, which I have. This wasn’t a criticism, I didn’t say she shouldn’t bother writing it - it was just an observation.
If anything, I think we need more female Asian voices out there!
April 17th, 2008 at 11:04 am
That is a scenario in every girl’s life lolz…had me in fits of laughter cos reading this article reminded me of the talks I have every week with my friends!
April 17th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Hey,
Good article, i think some people are kinda perceiving it wrong. it’s not about it being funny or not, the fact is that this is the reality and norm for most people out there!!
So many people must have gone through the same situation, the same thoughts and the same phases. I know i have! :P
Well done for portraying a rather accurate portrait of the process.
Looking forward to reading more!
Celina
April 18th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I think some people need to chill. Is this story coming in installments or something? Anyway, as for what was written, well done, i thought it was great. Attraction is a legitimate issue, anyone who denies it, is kidding themselves and the author does make a point of saying that, she’s not stereotyping about accountants, looks etc.
For example, i;m sure, if that accountant looked like, i dunno,who do gals like? johnny abraham say, she’d be like, ‘yeeeh, accountants are cool, my mans rich!’
So lets not over simplify human reactions, i;m sure even a mommy’s boy, who looks hot and handsome, even on the boring side, will be acceptable to some.
All reactions are legit, we humans are complex creatures!
ok, i think i sounded like that accountant there.lol
April 20th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Hey Lady J,
That was a cool article. Honest and funny with it too. A very enjoyable read. Ignore the haters, I loved it, so keep it coming!
April 21st, 2008 at 2:09 pm
this article is funny….i loved reading it and this paragraph was the best lolz
“I looked again to try and find something attractive about him, I mean he wasn’t so bad and who knew, maybe in person he might look better. Then my eyes strayed to his thick, dark lips. They had a wet fish look about them that gave me the heebie-jeebies at the thought of any physical contact with this guy. He may well be the nicest guy on the planet but there was no way he could ever get my juices going”.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:19 pm
i just read the article its so funny …lolz and i simply love this paragraph
“I looked again to try and find something attractive about him, I mean he wasn’t so bad and who knew, maybe in person he might look better. Then my eyes strayed to his thick, dark lips. They had a wet fish look about them that gave me the heebie-jeebies at the thought of any physical contact with this guy. He may well be the nicest guy on the planet but there was no way he could ever get my juices going”.
think dark lipz mmmm sexyyy lolz wet fish look??? ewwwwwwww that’s giving me the HEEBIE-JAABIES tooooo…
and shes right why would you want to know about someone’s interest and hobbies and etc when they have straight A’s ….end of the day.. to make a marriage work u just need loads of excellent GCSE grades AND a outstanding career/title :) ….i loveee this article and some on the things which were underlines are so dam true lolz….Asian ppl ha!
i totally agree with shahjahan Attraction is a legitimate and anyone who disgarees, they are just kidding themself…as without attaction you cannot make to people live and love each other (there has to be some form of attraction.)
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Ok
Seeing as we have Superman on here it is only right someone takes up the role as the bad guy Lex Luthor.
I would firstly like to point out im not asian, so it is interesting reading the comments with regards to the article and I can also give you an outsider’s opinion on the issue.
The article was a good insight into arranged marriages and quiet funny, I dnt agree with your mum at all where she says looks dnt matter, trust me they aint everything but they help!!!
Its all well and good marrying the butters accountant to please your family, but you gotta remember when you get married during the honeymoon period you can look past this person being butters but once the honeymoon period is over you gonna be laying in bed with a butters dude that you dnt even really like!!!
P.s You need to also tell your mum its not just good looking guys that cheat, ugly people cheat too. Those fat city bankers, accountants, stock brokers etc you can find them all in Spearmint Rhinos on a Friday or sat night giving their hard earned respectable job money to Ho’s.
So tell mummy dnt believe the hype, a good job aint everything.
Look i aint ha8ting on the accountants but most women on this planet do not have this vision of their ideal guy being a pen pushing geek.
They may not want a thug but they would want someone that can at least stand up for himself in an argument and isnt a little mummies boy.
P.s.s Ive read some of the other comments and i think some of them have been made by some fat accountants defending themselves
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Lady Jalebi, I hope life is great for you up on your high horse. I suppose some people are just supposed to go through life without a care in the world mocking those of us who actually have to work for a living.
I have been an accountant for five years. I have worked my way up from trainee to team leader, with responsibility for three other people. I drive a brand new Ford Ka and I have just bought my first property, a studio flat with its own parking space. And yes, I’m proud of the fact that I got an A* in my GCSE history (also in Geography, Maths, Chemistry and IT). And yes, I have a side parting. Laugh all you want, but if you want to be taken seriously in a competitive industry like mine, it’s the only haircut worth having.
What have you achieved that qualifies you to condescend to people like me? If you had an ounce of common sense you would heed your mother’s advice and marry the young go-getter you described. Your future self would thank you.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:15 am
So. I would have to argue about this ‘common sense’ nonsense: what may appear logical or rational to you, may not work for someone else. In the world of relationships, maybe, just MAYBE, she doesn’t want to marry someone with fantastic qualifications (cuz that would be, let’s be honest, superficial…..) but actually marry someone she gets on with, and *gasp* loves?
This brings me onto this whole Lady J being superficial and all that associated crap. The whole concept of biodata is superficial in the first instance - apart from the pic and those fabulous qualifications, what else does a girl have to base her perception of the guy?
And finally. Dear Ahmed. Thank you very much for providing us with your biodata (I’m sure your mother must be very proud) but I think you’re missing the point here, as are some of the other defensive peeps on here. It’s meant to be light-hearted and entertain. It’s not a diss at accountants, so perhaps you should take out your bitterness over your failed love life elsewhere and use it more constructively (like purchase a sense of humour perhaps?)
Just a thought.
PS Lady J - well done!
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
HAHAHA, Ahmed you go told!!!
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Hey!
Fantastic article! Marriage isnt the answer- play the field!! Preferably in Cancun!
April 24th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
hey lady jelebi!
well done, for putting that up….i guess most girls can relate to it!
and you know what keep writing! don’t let the critics discourage you!!
your piece of writing is hip- happening, real and light hearted!
peace!
April 24th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
GREAT ARTICLE
April 25th, 2008 at 11:33 am
done to death; i guess will fizzle out, and become repetitive. heard of originality lady jalebi?
April 25th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Fanzine, why dont you treat us to some originality! Money > mouth! Can’t wait!
April 25th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Where’s the next article????
COME LADY JELLYBEAN WE NEED TO KNOW IF YOU’VE PULLED YET
May 6th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
What can I say I have had many of my friends asking me to read your articles and I’m truly amazed at the in-depth description your writing provides, leaves one wanting more and more. The articles are very humorous and by all means an exceptional read, would recommend you keep writing.
You may have won these two battles but the war is still on and we look forward to your conquest for the “Chosen One”.
Good luck, excellent read.
A+
May 8th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Can I have your Biodata? Sil Vous Plait.
May 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Very poor article…..same old story, nothing new im afraid.
Not funny either……err lets hope it gets better than this!
Sorry.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
hahahahaha. That was brillaint! i want more please…
May 15th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
wow, laughing so much right now. good article
martmite is right, you either love it (us normal ppl) or hate it (accountants and others with middle partings)
keep up the good work!
May 17th, 2008 at 3:58 am
LOL… Very funny.. Poor accountant guy..
Looking forward to the next installment..
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:47 pm
It’s funny and I want to hear more. Sod all the people giving negative comments - if you haven’t got anything nice to say, someone needs to control your internet access!
May 27th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
reading the comments is indeed more entertaining :)
July 10th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
sd cards
August 3rd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Love it, for all those people in fairyland, you can deny it all you want, looks always have a part to play. If someone lets say is not easy on the eye, you won’t look at them twice. Plenty of research out there, suggesting good looking people on average get further in their careers etc. So you go for it Lady J, stick to your guns until you find your handsome prince
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I can totally relate to this…… believe you me, i’ve been through endless ‘Bio datas’.. Which also includes family tree’s etc. Who was the potential groom again? Cos i’ve just read a hundred names and their history!!!! Lol
August 27th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Single, Muslim, and female: a gendered forecast of the American Muslim community
July 30, 2008 by mskoonj
The following is the complete article on which “It’s not raining eligible Muslim men” is based. It is rather long, which is probably why Religion Dispatches blog cut it to a more reasonable length. But if you’re a sucker for punishment, enjoy. For further discussion on the subject, please see my friend Javed’s post on the subject.
In traditional faith communities, single women are usually looked upon with fear and desire. They are objects of desire because they hold out the promise of a traditional religious home complete with traditional wife and progeny to perpetuate the lineage and community. The unfulfilled promise they seem to hold out is ripe for the plucking. But they are also feared, and as objects of fear, they inspire often intense monitoring behaviors. In traditional communities, single women are watched and judged far more intensely than are single men. Single women’s main marketable commodity – virginity – is guarded and desired - and feared because it is capable of being spent – and with this spending, the honor of the collective may also be metaphorically dissipated. Men’s honor does not have far-reaching implications for the community; men are the community and the arbiters of its honor. Women’s honor is guarded and watched as well as cherished and honored.
When single women become numerous in a faith community, leaders and gatekeepers worry. Or should worry. First, because single women, unlike men, may not seek sexual fulfillment (legitimately) outside of wedlock. Second, because they, in fact, can.
Muslims in the diaspora often claim, as does this article that Islam does not allow dating or even that “Muslims don’t date.” This is an interesting claim, and one that merits extensive scholarly examination. Briefly and simplistically, from the perspective of the hadith that discourages one-on-one encounters between men and women because the third of the two is satan, this indeed seems to be the case. In many ways, intimate social engagement between men and women is pregnant, if I may put it thus, with sexual potential. As even popular culture puts it, they’re never really “just friends.”
Many liberal Muslims would argue that the case is not so simple, and they may cite cases from the Prophet’s life and his Companions. Or they may argue that times have changed; that marriage, divorce and indeed gender are no longer what they were, and that it is the spirit of the law rather than the letter in its entirety that must be fervently preserved. Well then, return the conservatives, what is that spirit if it is not include the practice of chastity? And how may chastity be preserved if the floodgates are opened to the Muslim masses by putting single men and women in continuous, risky contact with each other?
And then there are the Muslims who are in-between, neither absolutely conservative nor very liberal. The writer occurs somewhere in that mid-way space. I am committed to the ideal of religious chastity. I am also very aware of the human condition, and the Muslim diasporic condition.
Many traditional, conservative Muslims (I use both so you can take your pick, really) seek arranged and semi-arranged marriages. Community leaders, parents, relatives, friends and acquaintances set them up with potential mates after the desired characteristics have been explained in full. The couple then meets: this may be anything from a glance at a social event (my brother married an amazing woman in this way, and hit gold), to a meeting between the two while Mom watches over them. At times, the couple may even meet at a restaurant and chat at length, as long as they’re not in a private booth. The purpose in all these arrangements is to prevent the nature of courtship from becoming unduly sexualized. All that comes after marriage.
But not all Muslims marry in this way. Many acidly argue that they don’t have access to the networks that would help set them up with the right person. (And that’s not just converts, by the way, though converts suffer this situation the most). Many would sneer at the past attempts at being set up, and steer away from them. Many, really, do date-date. All the way.
What dating means for individual couples varies a great deal. For some, they may socialize one-on-one extensively, hang out for long periods, and watch movies. Some may even engage in some physical contact without going too far. And of course, some will have sex. And yes, some sleep around. But because the meaning of the term can vary contextually, many Muslims say, to keep it safe and simple, as does the article cited above, “Muslims don’t date.”
The Quran forbids fornication and adultery and describes it as lewdness and a bad path to take. This does not mean that Muslims do not commit fornication, whether in the diaspora or in the Muslim homelands. But from observation, I would argue that, whether because of their recent immigrant origins, their cultural characteristics, global religio-political trends or, as some would claim, something about Islam itself, Muslim women in the US are *relatively* less likely, *overall,” than indigenous faith groups, to have premarital or extramarital sex.
As I have watched the community over the past decade, I feel that while religiosity is on the rise, so is something else.
When, in New York, Daisy Khan arranged a Valentine’s Day event for Muslim singles, 15 men and 63 women showed up. The “surplus” of single women in the community is being identified as an issue. Many Muslim women would say, sarcastically, that the surplus is more specific - of smart, mature, beautiful, professional women and no one to match them up with.
For years now, I have agonized, along with my friends, about the disproportionately large numbers of such women and the much lower numbers of truly eligible Muslim men. Many friends have questioned if “he” is out there at all. Many friends have asked me if I can introduce them to someone, and friends have asked me if I can introduce their friends to someone. I pull out my pockets helplessly. Few that I’d introduce to them with confidence, I say. The “good ones” are married, engaged, or, mysteriously, perpetually single. In a community that is dispersed heavily over a geographically extensive area, there are so many single American Muslim women that the mind boggles at the future that awaits the community.
When I was single in my 30s, my parents and community were horrified at the future that awaited me. What would I do? Would I lose my mind? Would I lose my virginity? Would I fall into penury? What does a single woman do when she lives on her own? There were few precedents to guide their wonderment about my future.
Marriage is important to Muslims. Chastity is important. Celibacy is frowned upon. Marriage is the Prophet’s way. It is “half of your religion.” It’s not mandatory, but it’s pretty close.
But a strongly recommended religious practice – one that requires a whole other individual for the practice to be performed - can change, under the pressure of circumstance, from “strongly recommended” to “challenging,” and even optional. Sociologically, religious practice is contained within and shaped by the vessel of culture and cultural change. That which today appears to be of momentous consequence to one’s faith may not always have been so.
So what is a woman to do if she can’t find someone to marry? In the ‘80s and ‘90s – that’s how long I was single! - I could be bullied to hurry up and “marry someone” (read “anyone”). Precedence could be cited: all of my peers were married and most of them had teenage children by the time I got married. Many of those peers had married not Mr Right but Anyone, and had thereby made good time.
Today, a 30-year old woman, if harassed by community elders, can turn around and ask exactly whom she is supposed to marry. She can wait longer for the right person. She can also argue that a large number of her peers are still single. Numbers cannot be used against her. And numbers - “everyone’s doing it” - is a nest of immense security.
Traditional Muslims hold that Muslim women may not marry outside the faith and that Muslim men may marry Muslims, Christians or Jews, but there the choices end. So is there a smaller pool of Muslim men available for Muslim women because some of them are marrying non-Muslims? There is little by way of lifestyle-related statistics for American Muslims, so it is hard to tell whether there are just more Muslim women than men, whether Muslim men’s marriages outside the faith impacts numbers significantly, or because some men do marry abroad, traveling abroad to their parents’ birthplaces to enter arranged marriages. The last-mentioned is neither here nor there because some Muslim women also marry abroad. However, since cultural patterns of gender norms affect women intimately, Muslim women are often heard loudly protesting against the idea of marrying a man from the motherland. For many Muslim men, on the other hand, marrying a woman from the motherland means marrying a momma-replica who looks pretty and is “sweet.” (The reality may or may not be so).
What we do know is that there are large numbers of single American Muslim women today – in their 40s, 30s, and 20s, and that the community will have to deal with the consequences of this phenomenon. These women aren’t your spinster Aunties who spent their autumn years tending to their brothers’ families. Many of them are bright, independent, extremely articulate, professionally successful, and quite unlikely to take the single status lying down, so to speak. They will not suffer in silence, as the community pities their single plight. They will see that certain norms and practices render their lives difficult, and they will speak out.
In the Muslim homelands, Muslim women were usually “protected” (in good ways and bad) within the homes of fathers, brothers, husbands, in-laws, and sons. Single women who remained independent were not unknown, but were not large in number and remained an anomaly. The protection of a man was essential to a woman’s fulfillment. Wealthy and middle class or educated single women could hold their own, but most single women had to rely on the largesse of relatives. Economic dependence was part of the ugliness of spinsterhood. In the diaspora, a single American woman still has much to fear when by herself in an apartment or on the street, but independent single women, living and flourishing outside of a traditional Muslim context, will inevitably change the face of the community. Traditional, conservative Muslims may have much to fear from these changes.
For instance, growing numbers of Muslim women are marrying outside the faith. Until now, they could be disowned by their families, unless the families came to terms with the situation. Or their husbands could fake conversions and no one would ask him too many questions. Now, as Muslim women marry Jews, Christians, Hindus, atheists and beyond, it will be interesting to see how their children are raised, and how this will affect their children’s identities. It will be interesting to see how this changes the face of the American Muslim community.
For the record, I do not feel that marriage outside the faith is an ideal solution for most religious individuals. In my humble belief and limited experience, faith is a discipline and tradition that requires total living and immersion and not a cafeteria that allows one to wander in and out as one pleases. Marriage is also a discipline and a process that requires the totality of one’s engagement. In other words, neither is a picnic. At least in my observation, I have not encountered many cases of successful service to the two masters of God and marriage. Then there is the issue of raising children. Intensely ecumenical couples have raised children in two or more faiths, but I do not feel that this does justice to any one faith - or even to faith, period.
At the same time, I have also observed that there is a genuine lack of eligible men, and I am no believer in subjection to prolonged suffering. The single life is difficult and lonely, especially for religious people who practice chastity.
The dearth of eligible men is not the only reason for marriage outside the faith. Part of the problem is what I discussed earlier in this article, modes of courtship or the lack thereof. Traditional Muslim organizations and contexts have often insisted on forms of gender segregation that sometimes make it extremely difficult to meet and identify spouses. Under the motto “God will provide,” conservative Muslims have frowned upon single men and women talking to each other. Much “talking,” I found in my research on college campuses, therefore takes place on the internet and the phone, because it is less visible and, in fact, not really happening.
“Courting” is rejected by the more traditional circles, though many have come to realize that they have to give way. But this grudging “look-away” acceptance will have to develop into something more concrete and theorized if Muslim men and women are to find mates within the community.
Svend once spoke of an Islamic Society of North America convention matrimonial event that took place about a decade ago. Single men and women were chatting with each other, under the eye of organizers. Suddenly an elderly gentleman entered, observed, and reprimanded them, “Brothers, this is not permissible. You should not be doing this.” Svend says, “I wanted to tell him, ‘Uncle, you should be grateful they’re here, and not at the bar across the street from the convention center.’” Because the bar is indeed there, and if Uncle doesn’t go there, many of the kids do.
Many uncles, who had no clue that young people had such choices, have helped young people to silently and without protest drift away from the mosque and the community center. Feeling detached from community contexts, these young people will often behave with perfect reserve from the opposite sex when in Muslim settings (ironically, the safest contexts for courtship to take place), and moved on to dominant majority spaces where they meet and date non-Muslim women.
Inevitably, single status will also change some Muslim women’s approaches toward chastity and sexuality. Boys have always been boys, but American Muslim women have been relatively sexually chaste, if anecdotal evidence and observation is to count. (I am not claiming that “Muslim women don’t sleep around.” I’m making a claim, on the strength of qualitative and not quantitative research, about relative levels of sexual promiscuity.) Recently I have heard of a Muslim group I will not name that has permitted single women to sleep with men (under the category of dire sexual need). My friends have been shocked by the phenomenon.
Like the organization I mentioned, I predict that others will smell the coffee brewing under their noses (responding in perhaps less dramatic ways). Notions of religiosity, chastity, gender, and identity in the Muslim community will change under pressure of these circumstances. Notions of difference, notions of self and notions of the other will also change. Muslims, when they socialize with Muslims in mosques and Islamic centers, watched over by aunties and uncles from the homeland, may advance claims about what Muslims are and what Muslims do. When more and more Muslims in mixed marriages socialize with mixed-faith/culture groups and raise mixed-faith children, it becomes harder to claim that “Muslims don’t date/drink” or “Muslims eat biryani” or “Muslims don’t sleep around like White folks do.”
I predict that American Muslim identity under such pressures will probably become a much more fluid notion. I do not say this with eagerness. The coziness of a discrete and – well, even slightly insular, contained cultural-religious identity is a comforting thing to come home to. These are the ways in which minoritized and marginalized groups preserve identities that are precious to them, in the midst of pressures to assimilate. Homogamy is one of the main means of maintaining communities and identities. Exogamy is one of the main means that minority faith and cultural groups in the US have dissolved a little (or a lot). And while it’s not all going away, I think it will be a little less possible to bank on it in the future. For this, if nothing else, we will all have to think hard about our futures and our options.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Lady J, uve got alot of comments-whether they are good or bad-that makes a good writer. Everyone who has been affected will write a comment.
Loved it, thought it was very funny. Not too keen on the “visually impaired” comment.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
P.S I think ppl who slag off accountants should spend a day in their department…they are incredibly funny, some are attractive and even intelligent. So I don’t think any accountants should take offence
October 1st, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Haha this is going on my biodata as a footnote for all the mothers out there!
“according to my mother the good looking boys are bad because they fool around with lots of women, and personality isn’t important because it changes once you’re married. Basically, all that matters is whether he has a good character and is professionally qualified”
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
@ Laila
getting lots of comments makes her a good writer?
thats complete rubbish.
anyone can write tripe, and plenty of people are willing to point it out.
its tripe.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:29 am
Hi,
I see this article is about me. Yes I am an accountant, a very good one at that. I have worked hard for it and am enjoying the benefits of it both financially and with regards to my personal life.
I understood that my looks were not my strongest assets from a young age. Girls like yourself have been so kind as to inform me on a regular basis. But they were children and I have forgiven them. Thus, I decided to pay more attention to other assets I had-intelligence, respect and compassion. As a result, I am now the Head of FX Finance for one of the most influential financial institution in Asian and the Middle-East.
Im not sure when my CV was sent to you but I feel I need to update you on my status. I no longer need a CV, as I am happily married.
Turns out, what most guys in school have aspired to accomplish with their superior look I have achieved through the afformentioned asstes I possess. I may have taken longer but I beieve it was worth the wait.
Reason: I met my wife at a business seminar. No she was not an accountant at the time but a vet. So, what was a vet doing at a banking seminar? She was promoting a charity that is against animal cruelty within the fashion industry…as a model. I know my wife is much better looking than myself and as a former model for a leading designer she is very attractive and could have married someone much better looking than me.
But she married me. I know she did not marry me for the money, as she/her father are much wealthier than me. She tells me she finds me attractive. May be she does, maybe she doesn’t but I know this. She is happy and knows I will always love her and keep her happy. Hence she loves Shrek movies.
Unlike yourself, she sadly does not have a mother. But she does happily take care of my ill mother and has put her career on hold for her, without any pressure from me.
Reading this article, I laugh, at you, sitting in your exciting job, with your good looks, waiting for Prince Charming and I think how lucky I am/was that girls like you laugh at men like me, with my ugly looks, lack of height, lack of personality, disproportionate lips, many academic accomplishments, exciting career, powerful job, high pay, modern houses, vintage cars, business class flights, trips to exotic locations, fine dining, VIP treatment and a still a grey suit.
I guess I still have a bitter side, as I have a hobby of locating old ‘friends’ who politely reminded me how worthless I was, just to see how much better their lives are than mine. Especially when I met some of them, it was quite soothing to see how they reacted with their gorgeous faces to how my life turned out.
My feeling towards you were indifferent after I heard about your reaction to my photo, as I knew different people look for different things but after I was informed that you wrote this piece on me I thought I had to write back. Its funny that some one like me who has no time to have breakfast is writing this details response to a social website like this, as persoanlly I stick to the News. Nice site despite all.
Overall, if I had to change my past…I wouldn’t. My looks got me happiness plus money plus a loving wife. Still need to buy a different colour suit though.
For Prince Charming see Far Far Away…maybe you will find your Shrek.